


Geminids

by hueue



Series: su has me by the THROAT [8]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon), steven universe future - Fandom
Genre: Catharsis, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Post-Episode s01 e14: Growing Pains, also each chapter is named after some indie song because I! am! Gay!, both parts of him need some #therapy, steven in a fusion and by GOD im gonna talk about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:35:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 24,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23264827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hueue/pseuds/hueue
Summary: There was a light, the smell of strawberries and ozone, and suddenly there were two Stevens. One burning bright pink and the other barely there.Or: Steven unfuses and the two stars can't come back together(this is a rewrite! xoxo)
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe
Series: su has me by the THROAT [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1575244
Comments: 196
Kudos: 693





	1. Saint Bernard

**Author's Note:**

> uh oh! back again!
> 
> su future's just been beating me to death with a bat for three whole weeks and i couldn't be happier 
> 
> saint bernard by lincoln

𝌃

1

Saint Bernard 

(hung pictures of patron saints up on my wall)

It’s the silence that’ll drive them crazy first.

It’s a new breed of quiet. They’ve had quiet before, moments where the conversation comfortably lulled between the four of them and one could hear the soft crashing of waves against soft sand or when only one of them was in the house and they were only accompanied by the groaning and sighing of the house but this was different. This silence was oppressive and alive, there was a reason for this silence. 

Pearl tapped her fingers against the porcelain of the mug that was a close match for the hue of her skin. The soft melodic noises the action made were easily overpowered by the silence, “He’s still upstairs.” she breathed out.

“Yeah. We know.” Amethyst crossed her arms, flicking lavender hair from her face. 

Pearl took a sip from her mug. She’d never been one to partake in eating or drinking until her Quartz partner but Connie had introduced her to the human invention of tea not too long ago and she’d taken quite kindly to it. She set the mug down, perfectly centered on the coaster, “He may be sick…” 

“How? He hasn’t been actually sick since he got his healing powers.” she averted her eyes, “Admit it: He’s avoiding us.” 

“But why? We haven’t done anything!” she brought her hand up to her face, her pale blue eyes went to the fusion that sat across from her at the table, “Have we?”

“I don’t have the answers, Pearl.” Garnet admitted, sitting rigid in her chair, “We just have to wait until Steven decides to talk to us.” 

“When will that be, then?” her frazzled nature leaked into her voice, “It’s been  _ weeks _ , Garnet! This could be serious!”

“Steven would…” she paused, “he would tell us if it was serious.” 

A soft push of air came from Amethyst, “He better.” 

It was the fifth time the three of them had stood watch for Steven since he’d gone silent. They had handed off their classes to another trustworthy Gem (or in Amethyst’s case: Had just decided that the new lesson was all about not having class), gathered around the table, and just  _ waited _ . Waited until they realized he wasn’t coming down and they weren’t going up. 

None of them had any idea why he was being so avoidant. Last they saw him, they’d all come home from a mission to find the entire house a wreck and a similarly disheveled Steven poring over a collection of serious looking papers over the table. At their arrival, Steven had mumbled a greeting, scooped up the papers, and ran up to his room. 

Of course they had followed him upstairs, concern overriding the joy they had over finally being home and found his room to be in uncharacteristic disarray―Steven had always kept a tidy room even as a hyperactive kid. It hadn’t taken much prodding for Steven to glow pink and firmly ask them to go, any gentleness in his voice had all but burned up once Amethyst had picked up one of the serious papers he had dropped on his way up. Steven snatched it from her hands and told them to leave him alone. The aura he exuded was acidic, the three had quickly left but not before promising they could talk about it over dinner that night. 

He hadn’t come down for dinner. 

Amethyst uncrossed her arms, “Maybe Greg? Or Connie?” 

“What?” 

“Maybe he’s talked to either of ‘em, they could tell us what’s going on.”

Garnet seemed to consider it. Pearl looked up from the spot she’d been staring at, “Do you think?” 

“Worth a shot, right?” she put her hand out, “Gimme your phone for a sec, P.” 

In a flash of light the phone manifested in Pearl’s hand but quickly made it to the outstretched hand of her partner. Amethyst tapped the screen a few times and put the phone up to her ear, the ring permeated through the house once, twice, three times until there was a click.

“Pearl?” Greg’s voice came from the receiver, it was muffled and fought for dominance against the sound of cymbals and laughter. 

“Nah, Amethyst.”

“Oh! Hey, Amethyst, what’s…” a cymbal crashed, “what’s goin’ on?” 

“It’s about Steven.”

There was a moment, the other sounds quieted, Greg’s voice returned much closer and heavier, “Is he okay?” 

“Yeah, w-we think…? He hasn’t talked to us in, like,  _ weeks  _ and we were wonderin’ if you had any idea why.”

“He hasn’t talked to  _ any of you? _ In  _ weeks? _ Have you guys checked on him?”

“Uh, Pearl tries to get into his room when he’s sleeping and he’s…alive? I don’t know, we really have no idea.”

“Ooh boy.” Greg sighed, “I-I can get there in the next fifteen minutes―is that okay?” 

“Sounds good, G-man. W-We were thinkin’ about gettin’ Connie in here, too? Maybe the ol’ human beings squad could help him?” 

“Er…I…uh…” his voice trailed off, it sounded like he was thinking, “Connie could help. Sure, sure, you guys could call her but Steven says she’s usually really busy with school so you may not be able to reach her.” 

This little bit of advice was proven wrong as once Amethyst had said her goodbyes and dialed Connie’s number it had barely taken one ring for the young girl’s voice to appear.

“Hello? Pearl?” 

“Amethyst.”

“Is Steven okay?” 

“Whoa, okay, you’re ahead of me.” she chewed her bottom lip, “He’s alive so don’t worry. Alive and in one piece, but he’s just not talking to us and we thought maybe you had any idea why?”

Connie took a moment before speaking, “He’s not talking to  _ any _ of you?” 

“Hasn’t for a couple weeks.”

“A couple  _ weeks?!”  _ she parrotted, a book shut and a chair scraped across the floor, “Do you want me to come over?”

Pearl leaned towards the phone, “Yes, please. Greg’s on his way now but I think we’ll need all the help we can get.” 

“Understood, ma’am. He…he might not want to see me right now but I’ll be there for him, anytime.” 

“He might not want to see  _ you _ …? Connie, what does that―”

“He didn’t tell you, huh?” she blew a raspberry, “I-I’ll explain when I get there, okay?”

Amethyst brought the phone closer to her, “Alright, see you when you get here, Con.”

The line went dead, the silence creeped back in. 

“Why wouldn’t he want to see  _ Connie?”  _ Amethyst leaned back in her chair, “They’re, like, best friends, right?” 

Pearl took her mug into her hands again, “They looked so happy at the skate rink…they formed Stevonnie and everything…”

“What could’ve happened then? Is that why he’s bein’ all sad? Did they fight or something like when he got back from Homeworld that one time?” the Quartz huffed, “She didn’t sound mad though…”

Garnet steepled her fingers, “Steven…took advice from Ruby and Sapphire when it came to Connie.”

“And?”

“They recommended he propose.”

Amethyst and Pearl exchanged looks, even in their eons on Earth they hadn’t managed to understand the finer details of human relationships, “Is that bad…?” 

“Connie reacted adversely to it. She said no.”

“Okay. That’s bad.” 

“Oh, he must feel terrible!” Pearl wailed, she raked her hand through her peachy hair, “Garnet, why didn’t you tell us?!”

The fusion sighed, “I didn’t want to embarrass him any further. He ate an entire cake by himself then two pints of ice cream then passed out on the floor― I thought he would rather forget the situation.”

Pearl clicked her tongue, eyes flicking to the freezer door that had been not so subtly duct taped back on, “Hm. Fair.” 

“Well, he  _ obviously  _ hasn’t forgotten it!” Amethyst gestured outward, she whirled her finger around, “ _ This  _ doesn’t look forgetting it!” 

The corners of Garnet’s lips twitched downwards, “Amethyst, we won’t solve anything by shouting.” 

“Maybe it will―who knows!?” 

Lion, who had been peacefully slumbering at the foot of the stairs, jolted awake suddenly, padding to the center of the room. He stretched and mewled before letting out a foundation-shaking roar that created a glittering portal into the air, he jumped inside. 

“Connie must’ve called him over.” Pearl noted, standing to pour more steaming water into her mug. 

“She didn’t seem mad, she  _ wanted  _ to come over and help! Why is he so… _ ugh!”  _

“All we can do is wait.” Garnet tapped her fingers against the table, the ceiling above them creaked. Their eyes went upwards, 

“...Think he heard us?”

“We weren’t exactly being discreet, Amethyst. The phone was on speakerphone.” 

“Think he’s gonna come down?”

Pearl’s water darkened as she set another tea bag into it, “We can only hope.” 

𝌃

Backup had arrived not long after the silence began to sink deeper. Greg had run inside, his eyes lined with worry and staring at the empty chair at the table while Connie had followed closely, choosing not to warp inside with Lion to avoid disturbing Steven any further. Both humans hung onto the Gems’ every word as they recapped the last three weeks of avoidance―they kept looking at each other, which made the Gems feel as though they were missing a major part of the puzzle. 

Connie kicked off her shoes at the door, wrapping her arms around herself, “He’s not like this usually…he doesn’t  _ avoid  _ people like that.” 

An involuntary snort escaped Amethyst, eyes went to her, “Sorry. Just…he does―to us at least. I dunno, he doesn’t like talking to us about his feelings for whatever reason. It’s weird because feelings are, like, his entire deal…” 

“Tell me about it.” Greg plopped himself down on the couch, “So, how should we go about this…I don’t want him thinking we’re mad at him.” 

“Correct.” Pearl began to pace in a perfect line, “I suggest we all go up there and talk to him.”

“Whoa, whoa, no.” Amethyst countered, “He hates when we’re all up in his space, we should just tell him to come downstairs  _ then  _ we’ll talk to him. Maybe order a veggie pizza for him?” 

“He won’t come down.” Garnet said, there was a certainty in her tone. 

“Then what do you think?!” 

“I’ll go.” Connie volunteered to forgo any further bickering, “I’ll go up there and ask him if he wants to talk. If-if he doesn’t…we’ll leave him alone until he does.” 

“Seconded.” Greg raised his hand, Connie flashed him an appreciative expression. They looked to their alien family, the three looked between themselves then slowly raised their hands. 

“Great. Okay.” the young girl inhaled deeply, the ceiling creaked sharply, “Wish me luck.” 

She made quick work of going up the stairs into Steven’s room, lingering for a second on the landing. She froze on the second step of the final flight, “Oh!” she exclaimed, she laced her fingers together, “Steven! H-Hey.”

“...Hi…”

The audience below cringed at his voice. Rough and gravelly from disuse and perhaps even raw from crying. 

“Your dad and I are here…the Gems too.”

“...” 

“Do you wanna…come down and hang out?”

“...”

Concern scratched at her voice, “Steven? Hey, are you okay―” 

“Yes! Yes. I’m fine.” his voice was suddenly harsher, like an animal ready to bite, “Oh. Sorry, sorry, I’m…” sweeter now, soft, gentle, (desperate) “we― _ I’ll  _ come down. Yeah.” 

“Y-You don’t have to.” Connie assured, “You seem a little…out of it.” 

“I…what…eurgh―you need to calm―stop talking!” 

“Steven? What?” 

“I-It’s nothing. I’ll come downstairs with you.”

From their vantage point from the floor, Steven’s peachy hand reached out from the doorway. Connie gingerly took it, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, very, very, very ver―you’re being weird!”

“Steven…?”

“Please just take us downstairs.” 

‘Us?’ Pearl mouthed, Connie bristled. She took Steven’s hand and led him carefully downstairs. The audience quickly stood to attention, trying to wipe off any look of concern from their faces to try to start off the conversation with some semblance of normalcy. Steven slowly made it down the steps, pointedly refusing to look at any of them in the eyes. 

He looked terrible: His hair was curling in random directions, he had dark bags under his eyes, his yellow shirt was stained, he was only wearing one sock as if he couldn’t find the energy to put on the other. 

“Hey, Ste-man…!” Amethyst greeted, trying to look as nonchalant as possible. Pearl fidgeted,

“How’re you feeling?” 

“I-I’m fine.” 

“Are you…sure?”

“Yes.” 

“Kiddo, the Gems told me that you haven’t been talking to them lately.” Steven’s eyes finally rose at Greg’s voice, “You don’t have to act like you’re okay if you’re not, we can take it, Steven.”

“It’s nothing, I’ve just been tired.” he bounced between his feet he couldn’t stay completely still. He tapped his heel against the floor, “I-I’m sorry I haven’t been talking to you guys.”

“We are not upset with you.” Garnet assured him, she pushed her visor further up her face, “We just want you to know we are here for you.” She reached out for him, he shrunk away. 

“I know you are. I know.” 

“What happened honestly isn’t that bad, dude!” Amethyst said, Steven’s eyes snapped to her, his movements froze, “So you proposed to Connie, big whoop! It’s okay!”

He went bright, bright pink. He gripped the fabric of his shirt. “I…”

“Yes, Steven, it’s alright!” Pearl smiled disarmingly, “Connie’s here, you don’t have to be embarrassed.”

He took a step back, eyes flicking to Connie, who was completely red in the face, before unfocusing entirely, “I…uh…” 

“Whoa, buddy,” Greg stood, walking over to his son, “take a deep breath. Are you feeling okay, you look like you’re about to pass out.” 

Connie joined him, “Yeah, Steven, you don’t look too go―” 

“I’m okay! I’m  **fine** **_._ ** ” Steven blinked forcefully, “Why is everybody asking if I’m― _ It’s not about the proposal!”  _

“It’s…” a rare look of confusion flashed across Garnet’s face, “not…” 

“Is it about the hospital then?” Connie questioned, Steven’s dazed look hardened, “That wasn’t your fault! You couldn’t control it.”

“Hospital?” The Gems muttered, Pearl’s eyes narrowed, 

“When did you go to the hospital?”

He stepped back further, his grip on his shirt tightened, “I―Why did you say that!?” 

“I just asked a quest―”

“Why aren’t you saying anything.” there it was, that harshness again, “I’m  _ trying  _ to deal with this!” then the soft desperation. 

Greg’s brows knitted together, “Scthu-ball, what are you―” 

“You’re  _ obviously  _ not dealing with it―You’re  **_so_ ** ―We’re not okay, just―Shut up!” 

Connie stiffened, “Steven, are  _ they _ talking right now?”

“Stay ba-a-c―” his voice devolved into a glitching chorus of chiptunes. “Gah!” 

“Wait but this c-can’t happen, right?”

“I don’t―You’re not listening to me!― **_Keep it together._ ** ”

Pearl tensed, “Connie! What’s going on!?” 

“I don’t know, h-he shouldn’t be able to do this. Ca-Lu― **_Steven_ ** _ ,  _ you gotta try and calm down!” she reached out a hand, 

“Connie, I’m sorry―If you don’t want to listen then  _ leave!”  _

A snap and a flash of light. The smell of strawberry and ozone flooded the house. 

“Steven!” Connie gasped. 

“What happened to him?!” Greg cried, blinking away the light, “What was that noise?” 

“No, no,  _ please!”  _

Vision returned to the inhabitants of the house, their eyes fell on Steven. He was still pink, even  _ pinker _ . His clothes had even taken on the hue, his eyes blown wide but his expression eerily vacant―blank not in the way of apathy, but in the way of feeling so much that no expression was worthy enough. Connie, strangely, didn’t run to him when she finally found the strength to move. Instead, she ran to the other side of him, cradling something in her arms and mumbling panicked words under her breath.

Greg felt his heart skip a beat once he realized what she held.

A sweat-drenched, pale-faced boy who slumped over  _ terrifyingly  _ limp in her arms who wore only one sock. 

Steven. She was holding Steven. 


	2. Dead Weight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> am i losing my mind during this quarantine? yup!   
> but that means i can write more babEY! 
> 
> dead weight by jack stauber

𝌃

2

Dead Weight

(what’s expected of you? what’s expected of me?)

Panic was an odd monster. 

In any other situation where they had seen Steven―their  _ son _ , their  _ best friend _ , their  _ brother _ ,  _ their responsibility _ ―in dire straits, panic had been electric and loud. They’d jumped to attention and done everything they could to help him, panic made everything else disappear. But now, as Connie painstakingly tried to wake the pale-faced Steven up, panic was molasses. 

The adults were glued to their spots, they were absolutely frozen. Panic magnified everything to an almost uncomfortable degree. Everything was too much, the sound of Steven breathing raggedly while his pink double stared with his head slightly tilted to the side was sickening. Greg could hear the blood rushing in his ears, 

“S-Steven?” was all he could manage without his throat feeling as though it was about to collapse in. 

“What are you doing?!” Connie snapped towards pink Steven, “D-Do the thing, go back!” 

Pink Steven didn’t seem phased from her tone, “Won’t work.” 

His voice sent shivers down the listeners' spines. It was Steven’s voice, sure, but it was completely devoid of any of the emotion that came with any word Steven made. 

“What do you  _ mean  _ it won’t work?!” she sobbed, throwing her arms around the boy she cradled.

“Connie, w-what’s going on, what’s wrong with him?” Amethyst nervously raked her hands through her mane of hair, “Why is he…sp-split up like this? Steven, what’s…”

The pink Steven snapped his head towards her, his vacant eyes bored into her. Amethyst got the feeling that she’d just been threatened, “Not Steven.”

“Not…”

Connie didn’t even seem to register the question, she gently slapped Steven’s ghostly face, “C-C’mon, you gotta wake up. You  _ have  _ to wake you, you can’t just…” 

Garnet sharply adjusted her visor, “Rose’s fountain. We need water from Rose’s fountain, as much as you can get.”

“B-But he can heal himself!” Pearl exclaimed.

“Pearl. Please.”

“Y-Yes. I’ll get it. But Garnet...he’ll be okay, right?” 

There was a moment. 

The house groaned, Steven’s limp hand fell from Connie’s, pink Steven stared. 

“Okay.” Pearl quietly stepped onto the Warp pad, her posture alarmingly stiff. In a flash of pale light, she was gone. 

“Is his gem cracked?” Amethyst wondered aloud, she moved from her spot with great difficulty. Pink Steven’s blank expression took on a defensive feel; his mouth parted slightly, parts of his lip quirking up. Connie shut her eyes tight, 

“It’s more than that.”

With shivering hands, she gently raised the hem of Steven’s shirt. The temperature of the room seemed to plummet, the air sucked out at the sight of his smooth, gem-less stomach, Greg sank deeper into the couch, his lip trembling. Amethyst steadied herself on the nearby chair, Garnet held the sides of her waist tightly. 

“H-He unfused!” Connie cried, a level of panic on her face that's never been seen by the adults. Greg sputtered, 

“B-But Steven isn’t a  _ fusion!  _ I-I would know if he was a fusion!” 

Amethyst pulled at her hair, hysteria filling her expression, “What the  _ hell _ ?” 

Garnet, who’d typically scold Amethyst for swearing in front of Steven or Connie, ignored the slip up and slipped her visor off. All three eyes glanced over to pink Steven, “And that’s his gem.”

His eyes narrowed, the pale diamonds in his eyes shrunk. 

“He sh-shouldn’t be able to unfuse like this, I don’t know how he―” she lamented, the Steven she held in her arms stirred slightly, “S-Steven!?” 

“N…No…” the sound of his voice (soft, delicate, raspy, desperate) was barely audible. “I…where’s my…” his hand ghosted over his stomach, “I-I need it, please, I need it. I c-can’t…”

“Steven, bro!” Amethyst ran over to his side, pink Steven’s mouth pressed into a hard line, “Wha-What do you need, w-we’ll get it―anything!” 

“I-I need it.  _ Please,  _ no, I need…I need…”

“No no no no no!” Amethyst not-so-gently punched his arm, “No falling asleep on us, dude!” 

A crackling noise drew her attention away from her pseudo-little-brother, his double glitched in pinks and white, seizing for a moment before dropping to his knees. He shook his head forcefully when the glitches wore off. 

“Is he cracked?” Greg asked, moving from the couch and gingerly touching his sons’ double shoulder. Pink Steven’s hand twitched, he watched Greg intently. 

“Not cracked.” he replied in his seemingly typical monotone voice. Discernable emotion flashed across his face for a moment as the glitches returned, Greg threw his hands up in surprise, “Compromised.” 

“Compromised…?”

A raw cough brought their attention back to the other Steven, “I can’t…pl-please, I  _ need _ it, I need it, I need it.” 

“Need  _ what?!”  _ Amethyst begged, cradling Steven’s face.

“His gem.” Garnet supplied, her trio of eyes giving away the real panic she felt despite her neutral tone, “He needs his gem, he can’t survive without it.”

Greg clutched his chest,  _ “He’s dying.” _

He said it barely above a whisper as if he were afraid of making the statement true. Connie dabbed some of the sweat off Steven’s face with the corner of her shirt, “I-It’s going to be okay. He just…he just needs to fuse back.” she looked between both boys, “ Just like last time, right?”

_ Last time?  _

Nobody felt brave enough to waste precious, fleeting time on questioning further. 

“Why isn’t he fusing back, then?” Amethyst groaned. 

“I don’t  _ know!”  _ Connie chewed her lip, she shot pink Steven a pleading look, “Lux―that’s what we called you right? Lux?” if she was right, he didn’t answer, “You have to fuse, he’s not going to  _ live _ much longer if you…” her voice died, “ _ Please _ .”

“Won’t work.” was his simple reply. 

The young girl looked as though she was about to fall apart just as Steven had done. The Gems and humans alike would have readily welcomed the silence now that weak, delirious mantra from the dazed Steven had become the droning noise of the house. 

“Then what should we do?”

A flash behind them brought their attention to the Warp pad where Pearl along with a small army of Holo-Pearls held buckets filled to the brim with Rose’s tears, “I’m back!” she announced, frantic. She handed her bucket off to the Holo-Pearl nearest to her before running towards the group, “What happened, is he awake?!”

She reached for Connie’s shoulder, pink Steven tensed and put his arm out in front of her, “My Connie.” he spat. 

_ “What?” _

“Ugh, that’s not important!” Connie moved his pink arm away, Steven’s head lolled on her side, “We need to get him in the water right now!”

“The tub!” Greg stood, joining the others, “Put him in the tub.” 

Garnet nodded, “Good idea, Greg.” she knelt down, “Amethyst, Pearl, help me pick him up.” 

**_“STOP.”_ **

The ground beneath them shook in response to the raw scream from pink Steven, they flinched and reared back; the Holo-Pearls fizzled then disappeared into light, thankfully leaving most of the tears unspilled. Pink Steven looked like he was just a trigger away from attacking, the real Steven cradled his head, “No! Stop,” he gasped out, “you’ll hurt them!” 

Pink Steven’s neon eyes focused on Steven’s, his fists relaxed. Connie looked around the building then breathed out a sigh of relief, “Look, L-Lux, I’ll carry him, okay?” she shakily stood bringing Steven, who looked like he might just pass out again, up with her, “Just like last time.”

“Last time?!” Pearl squawked, eyes wide, “Connie, has this... _happened_ _before_?” 

Connie froze, a look of quiet horror on her face, she whispered out, “He didn’t tell you?” 

“This has…” Garnet’s hold on her sides tightened, she looked lost in a way few had seen before, “He didn’t…” 

Steven hacked out a scraping cough, his hair sticking to his damp forehead. He sagged further down Connie’s grip. The girl’s strong arms swept Steven by his legs into a bridal carry, one of his arms limply hanging beside him. 

(Like she’d done it all before.)

“Tub.” she ordered, “Now.” 

“Right.” Pearl nodded, she looked to the buckets left behind by the dissipated holograms, “Garnet, Amethyst, can you…”

“On it.” Amethyst shook off her shock, going over to the buckets and gathering as many as she could behind dashing into the bathroom. Garnet did the same, a quick robotic motion betrayed by the unmitigated worry on her face. 

Connie stood with Steven in her arms, bouncing on the heels of her feet and breathing measured, deliberate breaths. Greg just looked to pink Steven, inching closer to him but absolutely withering beneath his glare. He reached out a tentative hand and placed it on his shoulder, pink Steven seemed nonplussed by the action but he didn’t lash out. So Greg counted it as a win, inching just a bit closer until he was able to wrap his arm around him. 

“I-It’s gonna be alright, buddy.” 

He didn’t reply. 

“It’s ready!” Garnet called, “Bring him in here!”

Connie painstakingly trudged to the bathroom, now filled with empty buckets and presenting a bathtub of Rose Quartz’s tears. Amethyst opened the medicine cabinet, grabbling for three uniquely-shaped bottles, “S-Should we use the Diamond whatevers? Would that help?” 

“He’s not corrupted.” Connie shook her head, “He just unfused, we just have to make sure this half of Steven is okay until we figure out why they can’t fuse back.” 

“Wait, wait, no,” Pearl waved her hands around, “You’re talking about Steven like he’s a-a  _ fusion _ !” 

“He is.” Garnet removed her visor, her eyes emphasizing her sincerity. Pearl’s trembling hands went to her mouth, 

“Then that means…” she looked to pink Steven, “you’re Pink Diamond.” 

His entire body tensed, his form glitched into sparkling lights. He seized up, leaning heavily against the wall. The room was unified in a silent mantra:  _ Don’t poof, don’t poof, don’t poof.  _ After an eternity the glitching subsided, real emotion flashed across his face: contempt. 

“No. Not her.”

“Oh my god, dude.” Amethyst sneered, “If you aren’t Steven and you aren’t Pink, then _who_ _are you?”_

Pink Steven stepped back, face falling back into blankness. 

“Okay, Amethyst, let’s not give him an existential crisis.” Greg said, “We can talk more after we’re  _ sure  _ that Steven’s okay.” 

“Steven…” Pink Steven repeated, he nodded, his eyes downcast, “Steven.” 

Connie walked over to the tub, gently setting him into the water, disregarding that her own sleeves were dipping into the sparkling tears, “C’mon, Cas.” she whispered, smoothing the curls away from his face, “Y-You have to be okay.” 

“Who’s Cas?” Greg muttered to himself, his confusion was swept away as he noticed color finally returning to his son’s face. Steven blinked lazily, 

“What’s going…” he glanced to pink Steven, his face flushed, “oh…” 

His eyelids fell completely, he sank deeper into the water. Connie put her hand in front of his mouth, “Asleep.” she smiled, running her hand through his ringlets of hair, “He’s okay.” 

“Thank the stars.” Pearl breathed. 

Pink Steven stared, “ _ Steven.  _ Okay.” 

Connie’s raised her eyebrow, “Lux? Are you okay?”

In lieu of a real response, he reached his hand out towards Connie. She gingerly took it, “Wet.” he said. 

“Yeah, from the bath.” 

“Cold.”

“A little but―”

Pink Steven abruptly walked out of the room, Connie scoffed, “Lux?”

“Did you guys name that creep?” 

“He’s not a creep, Amethyst.” she retorted pointedly, “He’s just not used to being unfused. And yeah, uh, Steven and I named them a couple months after we got back from Homeworld. We didn’t think that he’d ever… _ unfuse  _ again but we wanted something to call them so whenever we talked about them. He didn’t want any part of him referred to as ‘Pink Diamond’ which is probably why Lux reacted…like that.” she sat by the tub, “We ended up calling them Castor and Pollux.  _ I  _ thought it was the right choice because, like, it’s from this old story about these twins: Pollux was immortal but Castor wasn’t and they loved each other so Pollux asked if his brother could be made immortal like him and so they were turned into stars.” her hand found their way back into Steven’s hair, she smiled softly, “Steven liked it because we could call them Cas and Lux which, admitted, are  _ pretty  _ cool nicknames when you think about it.” 

Pearl tented her hands, “Wait but where’s Castor?” 

“What do you mean?” Connie gestured to Steven, “He’s right here.” 

“I’m…” Greg cupped his face, “I’m not really following this.” 

“Steven’s a, uh, fusion or something  _ like  _ a fusion. His Gem-half didn’t just leave, his human-half did too. Steven doesn’t...” she swallowed hard, “Steven doesn’t exist right now. And he won’t until they fuse back. W-When this happened last time,” her voice faltered, “Steven said it was like he was in two places at the same time. Cas and Lux are his two places.” 

There was a beat of silence interrupted by the soft sound of bare feet against wood, pink Steven (or Lux, now) appeared in the doorway holding Steven’s jacket. He seemed unaffected by the sudden quiet and marched up to Connie, “Cold.” he said, shoving the jacket into her arms.

“Wait, hold up,” Amethyst’s brow furrowed, “that’s Steven’s jacket, he can’t just―”

“He’s part of Steven.” Greg sighed, “It’s his jacket, too.” 

“Oh! Okay.” Connie accepted the jacket, clumsily putting it on despite it being two sizes too big for her. 

Lux stood awkwardly, “Warm now.”

“Y-Yeah, it’s warm.” she smiled, “Thanks.” 

“Connie.” Garnet sat beside her, refusing to react to the way Lux seemed to bristle at the action, “Tell us about last time.”

Lux’s pupils shrank, she paled, “Oh…uh…”

“It might help us know what to do to get them back together, Connie.” Greg said, Connie shifted in her spot. 

“It’s not a happy story.” 

Now, they had suspected this, of course they had. But to hear it said so plainly made it all too real. 

“We can handle it.” Amethyst promised, perching on the countertop.

“I―uh,” she looked up to Lux, “do you want to talk about it?” He glitched, short but surprisingly nonetheless. “Okay, so, the answer’s no. I-I’ll do it, I can do it.” she seemed to be talking to herself more than anything. She shut her eyes tight for a moment but when she opened them her focus wasn’t on the audience gathered around her or the fragment of her best friend. It was on something far, far away. 

“We were in White’s head.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so sad. alexa play mr. universe


	3. Bambi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw i think diamond steven rides the line of feral bastard and feral baby and i both hate and adore him for that
> 
> bambi by hippo campus

𝌃

3

Bambi 

(i swear to god, i wasn't born to fight, maybe just a little bit, 

enough to make me sick of it) 

Lux left at some point. 

During Connie’s painstaking retelling of White Diamond possessing the Gems so _easily_ and her battle with Pearl, Lux simply turned and left―the air around him electric and the room smelling of rain-soaked dust in his wake. Connie paused in her story but resumed shortly after, muttering to herself, ‘Right. This is the bad part.’ 

The Gems and Greg lean in as she continues, her focus seeming to be fully on _finishing_ rather than telling the story. 

“So, uh, Pearl gets me pinned.” she said, glancing to the Gem in question who had apologies written all over her face, “I couldn’t break out of it and White she…she started saying all this _stuff_ to Steven about how he’s his mom and how he’s just gotten so good at _pretending_ to be him that he’s just forgotten that he’s actually Pink Diamond. She picks him up and she” tears brimmed in her eyes, she pressed her trembling hands to her thighs, “she, uh,”

“No…” Garnet gasped, bringing a hand to her mouth.

“What did she do?” Amethyst’s eyes widened, Connie bit her lip, “Connie, what did White do?” 

“She pulled his Gem out!” this panic was sudden and unbelievably late. Connie sobbed, “H-He just got so _pale_ and she just _dropped him,_ I thought he was…I thought…” tears raced down her face, “I-I had to carry him back to his other half but I didn’t know if he’d survive, I didn’t―AH!” 

A loud crash from the kitchen snapped everyone back to reality, causing them to jump to their feet. Another crash sent them running out of the bathroom to whatever was making the noise. Greg narrowly avoided stepping on a jagged piece of porcelain as they enter back into the main part of the house, 

“My mug!” Pearl gasped, “What―Lux, stop!” 

She rushed forward to grab the arm of Lux who had climbed up on the kitchen table with an assortment of mugs, glasses, and plates and looked quite intent on destroying each and every one of them. Lux pulled away from her, spiking a plate to the ground where it shattered completely. 

“What is this jerk _doing!?”_ Amethyst growled, summoning her whip and lashing it around his arm. Lux looked at the barbed weapon around his forearm and grabbed it, sending an arc of lighting down it. She let the handle fall, “Yikes!” 

He smashed a glass, sending the pieces scattering across the floor. 

“Um…I’ll try!” Connie said, moving into his direct line of sight, “Hey! L-Lux, hey! You have to calm down!” 

His grip on the next mug loosened, “Crying.” 

“Me?” she wiped her face on her sleeves, “I’m fine, really!”

“Crying.” he repeated, pulling the mug closer to his person. Connie’s eyebrows raised, 

“Wait…are _you_ crying?” 

Lux threw the mug to the ground forcefully before glitching yet again, his body lighting up in indistinct shapes and his legs collapsing beneath him. Garnet stole the rest of his arsenal from the table. 

_‘You can hide from yourself, but you can’t hide from me, Pink.’_

The TV. The TV was on. Their eyes turned from the glitching boy to the television propped up on the coffee table. Connie gasped, “How…?” 

There, right on the screen, was Steven. ‘Classic’ Steven as Amethyst had put it, staring up at what could be White Diamond. 

He looked so scared. 

Connie’s voice calls out from behind him but he doesn’t look back. A giant white hand scoops him up; the ground gets so, so far away. 

_‘Now, Starlight...this has gone on long enough.’_

It’s quiet.

_‘It’s time to come out, Pi―’_

A polygonal shield suddenly stuck out of the TV causing the image to distort and disappear. Attention was back on Lux, who was staring at the TV with a look that could shatter. 

“She’s gone.” he stated, tense, his stoic expression somehow radiating pure malice, he summoned another shield and threw it at the already destroyed screen, **_“She’s gone!”_ **

“Oh, no, not again!” Connie braced, as another strange shield appeared in his hands, “He’ll bring the house down if he screams, we have to do something!” 

“He’ll do _what?!”_ Pearl squeaked. 

**_“She’s gone!!”_ **

“Do you guys remember how White’s head looked after you guys woke up? The giant crater?” Connie prompted, she pointed to Lux, “You don’t want him to lose control.” 

“That was _him?!_ Oh, geez! I thought a bomb went off or something!” Amethyst summoned another whip, “Forget the house, the whole _city_ might get donked!” 

“I have an idea!” Greg announced, racing upstairs as fast as his middle-aged legs could take him and returning with Steven’s guitar in hand, “Hopefully, this still works!” 

His fingers danced around the fretboard, a soft lullaby emitting from the strings. The audience exchanged a look of uncertainty but, to their surprise, Lux suddenly froze and sat on the table. 

“Nice work, Greg.” Garnet clapped him on the back; the elder Universe shrugged, setting the guitar on the couch, 

“Eh, been using that since he was three. Fused or not, he’s still my son.” 

Connie walked up to Lux, carefully stepping over the glass, “Do you feel better?” he opened his mouth but only stuttering chiptunes and looping synths that made her vision rattle came out, “I, uh, I didn’t understand you, Lux. That was all Gemsong.” 

“Breather.” he replied, sticking his hand out again. 

“Yeah, totally.” she took his hand, carefully helping him off the table and trying not to stare when she noticed he was hovering about an inch off the ground, “Is outside good?” 

“Good.” 

“Okay.” she turned back to Greg, the pleasant look on her face fell slightly, 

“Can you guys tell me when Cas wakes up, Mr. Universe? We’ll be right outside, promise.”

Greg gave her a comforting smile, “No problem. And Connie?” he walked over to her, giving her a warm hug usually reserved for his son, “Thank you. Thank you so much for everything. You can call me Greg.” 

“Oh! Uh,” she beamed, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, “okay, Greg!”

He moved over to Lux, ruffling his hair, ignoring how it felt like he was rubbing against pure crackling energy, “Call us if you need us, alright, kiddo? We’ll get the mess all cleaned up in here.” 

Lux cocked his head to the side but responded with a slight nod. 

The two teenagers walked out of the house, Lux trailing behind Connie like a lost puppy. Greg’s shoulders sagged once the two were out of sight, “Whew.” 

“That was…a lot.” Garnet commented, leaning on the table. 

“How is _he_ a part of Steven?” Amethyst wondered aloud, “Steven doesn’t act _anything_ like him. I mean, ugh, _sure_ he’s angry sometimes but he doesn’t throw tantrums and he _definitely_ wouldn’t destroy the…TV…” her voice quieted, “That was ‘last time’ wasn’t it? On the TV?” 

Eyes went to the eviscerated flatscreen, “I suppose so.” Pearl murmured. 

“I’m gonna shatter White.” Amethyst said, the Gems turned to her. 

“Amethyst!” Pearl gasped, the Quartz frowned, 

“Wouldn’t you!? She hurt Steven― _Steven!_ The kid who just wanted to _talk to her_ , she ripped him apart―literally! Don’t you want to, I dunno, do _something_ to her?! She just got off scot-free because none of us remembered and Steven’s too goddamn _nice_ to really get back at her, ugh!” she sat roughly on the couch, “It’s not _fair!_ All this bad stuff keeps happening to Steven, _none_ of this should be happening to Steven!” 

“Preaching to the choir, Ame.” Greg groaned, “Where’s y’all's broom? We gotta get all this glass up before somebody gets hurt then we have to think about what to do next. We can't just rely on Connie to tell us what to do, you know.” 

“He only listens to you and Connie.” Pearl lamented, pulling out the broom from beside the refrigerator and summoning a near-identical one, “I don’t know why but he doesn’t seem to like us.” 

Amethyst scoffed, “You heard the cactus, P.”

Greg felt too tired to begin to question the statement, he took the broom from Pearl’s hand, “I think I might call Dr. Maheswaran.”

“Connie’s mother?” Pearl began sweeping up the ceramics and glass, “Why?” 

“Well, it's gotta hurt to have half of yourself ripped away, right? Cas, hell, maybe even Lux, might need real medical attention.” 

“The tears will heal him.” Garnet assured. 

“They better.” Amethyst picked up a larger piece of plate, “How does the future look, anyways, G-squad? How do we get Steven back?” 

The fusion adjusted her visor as the room turned to her for answers, “It’s…hard to say. Steven’s timeline is splintered into two entirely different but concurrent timestreams, I...have no idea what leads to what.”

“So we’re screwed.”

“A little.” 

“I just don’t understand why he didn’t tell us…” Greg pondered, numbly sweeping up glass, “this is big, this is really big and he just…didn’t tell us.” 

Pearl huffed, “He takes after his mother too much at times. Rose kept secrets from everybody, she thought it was best that only she bear the burden of some knowledge.” the glass clinked in her dustbin, “Sometimes, she thought wrong.” 

“He looked _terrified._ He was so young, that was when he was fourteen. God, he was _fourteen._ ” 

“Do you think Yellow and Blue know?” Amethyst asked, “I mean, they were under White’s power too and if he didn’t tell us I _doubt_ he told them. And they worship every word that kid says, they might take care of White _for_ us if he let ‘em in on the secret that she tried to _kill_ him.”

“They tried to kill him, too.” sighed Garnet, “Unfortunately, it seems that’s how most Gems say hello to Steven.” 

“That isn’t fair.” 

They continued on in silence, sweeping and watching things be swept. Thoughts went out to the two outside, wondering how Connie was getting on with the half of Steven that, apparently, lacked all the charisma and social skills the whole Steven possessed. Greg stared at the floor, trying to catch any more fragments of glass. 

_He was fourteen._

His swept over another patch. 

**_He was fourteen._ **

The tiny voice that’d taken residency in his head ever since he’d picked Steven up from that disastrous doctor’s appointment piped up yet again.

_Symptoms include: Agitation, irritability, self-destructive behavior, loneliness,_

_severe anxiety, depression_

He shook his head―he couldn’t spiral while Steven needed help. He swept up the last bit of glass that he could see, “Hey, guys, so you didn’t know that Steven went to the hospital about a month ago, right?” 

“No.”

“Not at all.”

“No?” 

“Well, he did and it didn’t go _great―_ ”

“Oh, hi!” a voice interrupted Greg, a soft, bouncy tone, “I didn’t know anybody else was here!” the group turned to see Steven ( _Cas_ ) standing at the front of the house, sopping wet and grinning like he hadn’t been on the brink of death just thirty minutes ago, “Can anybody tell me why I’m all wet?” 

“Steven!” Pearl smiled, Amethyst elbowed her, 

“Cas.” she corrected under her breath, Cas didn’t seem at all bothered by the misnaming. 

“I’m not Steven!” he said, he stuck his hand out with energy, “Connie and Steven call me Castor but I like Cas better,” he walked toward them, one of his legs dragging behind him slightly, “so does Steven! But he isn’t here right now, sorry.” 

“Cas, are you alright?” Greg eyed the other half to his son, “You’re limping.” 

“Am I?” he looked absolutely amazed by this revelation, “Jeez, I sure am―WOAH!” he tripped over himself, Greg caught him easily. His smile was still unaffected, “Sorry!” 

“N-No worries. Just take it easy, okay?” 

“Alright, Greg!” 

“ _Greg?!”_ he sputtered, “You can call me Dad, Cas.” 

“But I’m…not Steven.” 

Greg pushed away some of the hair sticking to Cas’ face, “You’re still my son.” Cas looked like he was either about to cry or pass out again, his glazed over eyes unfocusing. He got heavier in Greg’s arms, “Whoa, bucko, c’mon stay with us.”

Cas blinked, “Hi…!” he stuck out a hand with the same energy, shaking it despite nobody taking it, “I’m Cas!” 

“Okay, this one’s a little loopy.” Amethyst chuckled, “I like it.” 

Greg dragged him over to the couch, “Okay, okay. Are you in any pain?”

“Nope! I’m fine!” 

“Are you tired?”

“Nope! I’m fine!”

“Hungry?”

“Nope! I’m fine!” 

“...” he stood again, “I’m gonna go get Connie.”

“Connie!” Cas gasped, “Connie’s here!?”

“Y-Yeah? She’s the one who put you in the tub.”

“The tub…” he pondered for a second then clicked his fingers, “ _THAT’S_ why I’m wet!”

“Mmhm…” Greg turned to the Gems, “Watch him for me?” 

The Gems nodded but kept their distance, all afraid to risk a Lux-like outburst if they got any closer to him. Greg left to fetch Connie and Lux, Cas looked at them and everything around him like it was the first time he’d seen it. His half-lidded eyes sparkling, “You have a nice house.”

“It’s your house, too.” Garnet said, Cas looked surprised by the statement. 

“Huh! Whaddya know!” he giggled, “It’s nice to meet you all!” 

“I-It’s nice to meet you.” Pearl nervously laced her fingers together.

“Steven’s told me a lot about you all! Or, well, he’s thought about you and I kinda pick stuff up.”

Amethyst leaned back, “Oh, so you hate us too, huh?”

“Hate you…? Why would I…” 

“I mean Thing 2 over there definitely isn’t a big fan of us.”

“You mean Pink?” Cas flopped lazily on the couch, letting his arm dangle to the floor, “Ignore him! You guys are great!” his carefree expression dimmed slightly, “Did he…say anything to you?” 

“Not really, just a lot of yelling.”

“Whoa!” Cas clicked his tongue, slapping the floor with his dangling hand,“The building’s still up, he must really be holding back, huh!” 

The three didn’t have time to properly worry about Lux _not_ holding back when the screen door opened and Greg entered followed by Lux and Connie, the former gripping the hand of the latter like it was a lifeline. Cas sat up straight, his face flushing pink, “Connie!!” 

“H-Hey, St― _Cas!”_ Connie greeted, “You’re awake.” 

_“Connie!!!”_ he repeated, the blush deepening, “Hi!” 

The girl tried to pull her hand away from Lux but it was clear that he wasn’t letting go any time soon, she dragged the boy along to get closer to Cas, “Greg, said you were limping.”

“Oh, no, I’m fine!” he beamed, he ran his hand down Connie’s arm, “You’re wearing his jacket, it looks…really, really nice on you~” 

“Uh…thanks…are you sure you’re fine?” 

“Yup!” 

“Hm.” she slipped her hand from Lux’s grip and took three long steps backwards, “Walk over to me.” 

“What?”

“If you’re okay, then walk over to me.” 

“I am okay.” Cas insisted, “I’m _so_ okay, in fact, that I _choose_ to stay on the couch!” 

Lux stared, “Not okay.” 

He frowned, “I told you to leave.” 

“You’re dying.”

“And I _told you to leave.”_

Greg paled, “He’s dying!?” 

Cas blinked, looking around like he’d just noticed that everybody else was still there, he pulled at his hair and smiled (or tried to), “H-He’s joking.”

“I am not.”

“Shut up!” Cas snapped, his facade dropping for a millisecond before it was back in full force, “It’s okay. _It’s okay._ We can just…fuse back and be Steven again, it’s all okay. We’ll just be...Steven...” his eyes glazed over. 

Amethyst stepped forwards, “Cas?”

He shook his head, “Sorry! I’m sorry! Let’s just” he shakily stood, offering his hand to Lux who instinctively reached out to steady him, another snippet of emotion on his glowing face (helplessness?), “do it.” 

Lux hesitated for a moment before taking his hand. A blinding glow overtook the two of them, the onlookers averting their eyes from the supernova in their living room. When the light died down they looked to see Steven standing unsteadily, swaying from left to right with a puzzled expression.

“Steven?” Pearl questioned, “Steven, are you okay?” 

“Don’t get too close.” Garnet warned. 

Steven flinched violently, pressing a hand against his Gem, “W-We ca-can’t.” 

A flash of light and the almost overbearing scent of strawberries and ozone. Lux was propelled against the stairs, landing with a crash while Cas was sent in the opposite direction collapsing to his knees. Lux groaned as more glitches rattled him as Cas wiped away the blood spilling from his nose. 

“We can try again!” he promised, his voice shaking, “We can…” he exhaled softly, his frantic expression fading to haziness, “I’d like to go back to the tub, please. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lux: hoes mad  
> cas: hoes sad


	4. Push/Kitchen Sink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooh boy this chapter was kicking my ass!!!!!  
> thank you for all the love!!!
> 
> push // fog lake  
> kitchen sink // twenty one pilots

𝌃

4

Push

-

Kitchen Sink

(i don’t want to be alone right now)

(leave me alone) 

𝌃

“Okay, Steven. What’s wrong?”

He looked up from where he’d been staring at a spot on her carpet with his hands pressed against his ears, “What are you…” he moved his hands down slowly, “talking about?”

“You’ve been off all day.” she closed her sociology textbook, “Are you sick?”

“Are you on a break already? I-I didn’t know an hour and a half had already passed.” he looked to her clock, she shook her head, 

“No, I’m not on a break yet but you seem like you need to talk.” 

He chewed on his bottom lip, “Connie, I’m fine.” 

“Hand.”

His eyebrows furrowed, “What?”

“You’re pulling your hair again.” she stood from her chair and sat across from him on her bed, gently pulling his hand from his curls and intertwining her fingers with his, “You only do that when you’re stressed.”

“You know me too well.”

She shrugged with a smile, “It’s my job.”

“I don’t want it to be. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I know I don’t have to. I  _ want  _ to make sure my best friend is okay.” 

The smallest of smiles spread across his face, he cuddled up next to her, “You’re too nice to me.” 

“Steven Quartz Cutie Pie―What were the rest of them?” 

“Demayo Diamon―”

“Demayo Diamond Universe, let me help you with some of your struggles for a minute.”

He shut his eyes, “But your homework…”

“It’ll be there, I basically know all of it anyways. It’s Steven time right now. So,” she leaned her head on his, “what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know…” he paused, rethinking, “I don’t think I’m Steven right now.” 

She hummed, “What does that mean?”

“They’re just really  _ loud  _ right now, they’ve been fighting all day.”

Her eyes widened once she pieced together who ‘they’ referred to. Neither had referenced either of Steven’s halves in some time partially due to their lack of presence in Steven’s day-to-day life and more than partially because it only reminded them that Steven had been forcefully ripped in half only two years prior. She’d kind of figured that it involved them to some capacity, she’d caught Steven talking to himself more than once during their day together.

“What are they fighting over?” she started gently caressing Steven’s hair, his hair was always so soft. 

“Ugh, I went to go see Jasper to try and get her to come to Little Homeschool and it…” he grimaced as if someone had shouted at him, “it didn’t go very well.” 

Connie rolled her eyes knowing Steven couldn’t see her face, “Jasper doesn’t want to be helped, Steven. She wants to be angry.” 

“It’s not good to be angry.” he muttered, burrowing his face within the crook of her arm. 

“Does…them arguing make you feel less ‘Steven’?”

He shrugged, “I dunno. They’re kinda fighting for influence right now and it’s hard for me to stay  _ together _ . It’s annoying.”

“It sounds annoying.” she wrapped her finger around a loose curl, “Have you talked to Garnet about it? Maybe she’d be able to help, fusion to fusion.” 

“Uh…well, sure, I’ll ask her when I get home.” 

He wasn’t. It was clear in his voice. 

“It’s just…they’re, like,  _ always  _ talking in my head. Usually, it’s fine but whenever they argue it’s pounding in my head―I’m trying to keep it together but I’m like…switching? I dunno, I don’t feel like Steven even though we’re definitely fused, I never feel like this in  _ any  _ other fusion. When we’re Stevonnie, I feel like we’re Stevonnie. But sometimes I feel like I’m Steven then” he spread his hands out in a ‘boom’ gesture, “I’m not.” 

She frowned, she didn’t fully understand but she got that Steven needed help. He’d never ask for it out loud but he did it in subtle, misdirecting ways where he mentioned something concerning then did verbal gymnastics to get away from the subject as fast as possible. 

“So are you more Cas or Lux now?” 

He shrugged. 

She guessed Lux. Steven tended to talk but from what he’d told her about his halves Lux was the quieter of the two. That made sense at least, in the few tense moments she’d seen him separated from Cas he’d barely said four words. 

“It’s nothing. Really.” 

“Steven, it isn’t 'nothing'. It’s a part of who you are.” 

“Yeah…” 

He pressed himself closer to his chest, he was the only person allowed to do that. Steven was so physically affectionate that she’d be worried if he ever  _ didn’t  _ hold her hand while they talked or play with her hair or wrap his arms across her waist. There was never any ulterior motive, he just liked being close to her. She lost her hand in his hair, gently combing through curls; a stark contrast with how Steven treated his hair, pulling and tugging with a scowl on his face. 

“Connie?” 

“Hm?” 

“Do you ever…” he sighed, pulling away from her and staring at her with his big brown eyes, “do you ever wish I was normal?” 

_ “What?” _

“Do you ever wish I was just a normal human being?” 

She stammered incredulously, “Steven, no! O-Of course, I don’t! Gem stuff, magic, it’s all a part of you, parts of you I really, really love.” 

“Okay.” 

He fell back to her embrace.

_ Okay?  _

“Steven, wait, where did that come from?” her eyebrows knitted together, he shifted against her body, “Do  _ you  _ wish you were a normal human?” He turned to look at her, he wasn’t though. He wasn’t looking  _ at  _ her, he was just staring. “Steven?

𝌃

“It’s okay, Connie!” Cas smiled as more blood gushed from his nose, “I’m fine!” 

Lux gripped the stairs as the glitches subsided, looking completely worn out and laying his head against the landing. Connie looked between the two boys, eyes wide. 

_ “What happened!?”  _ she gasped, rushing over to help Cas up. He leaned his full weight on her side, she doubted that he’d be able to stand on his own. 

“Compromised.” Lux answered, still face down on the stairs, “Fusion incompatible.” 

“Incompatible, what do you  _ mean  _ incompatible?” Pearl worried her bottom lip, “Why can’t you guys stay fused?!” 

Cas stammered, “Well, we…I…S-Steven just…” 

“We do not want to be Steven.” Lux pushed himself up to a sitting position, giving Cas a withering glare to match the other half’s wide-eyed stare, “You were taking too long.”

“I was  _ getting there. _ ”

“Bleeding.” Lux noted.

Cas wiped at his nose, “I  _ know  _ that!” 

“No, no, wait, hold up.” Amethyst held up a gesture that read ‘time-out’, “You don’t want to be Steven!?”

“Don’t be mad!” Cas begged, eyebrows knitted together, “We just wanted a  _ break,  _ what teenager doesn’t want a break?” 

“I am over ten thousand years old.” Lux stated, arms crossed. 

“Can you  _ shut up?”  _

_ “Bleeding.”  _

“I know!”

“You two, cut it out!” Garnet ordered, both sets of eyes looked at her, “If the components of a fusion are in disagreement, it’s the cause for a toxic fusion.”

“Like Malachite?” Pearl questioned.

“Yes. Like Malachite. The difference is Malachite was still able to stay fused, even if both of her components didn’t want to be.” she tapped her visor, “Steven, however; can’t fuse in the first place.”

“Why?” Greg questioned, scratching his beard, “Why can’t he stay together?”

“Unstable.” Lux said quietly. 

_ “Pink.”  _ Cas hissed.

“Steven is unstable. We are unstable, Castor.” 

“N-No. We…” he laughed, a broken, desperate laugh. He turned to those that watched them, “Don’t listen to him. We’re o-okay! Everything’s fine!”

Connie tightened her grip on his shoulder, “Cas, if you guys need help you can tell us.”

“Help!?” he sputtered, “No, we don’t need help. We help other people! So you need us! And you won’t leave us! We…” his manic energy dimmed, “we…” he sagged further down Connie’s side, much to her concern. Lux stood, “I-I need it…please, I need it…I…can't…”

There was a flash of pink and suddenly both boys were gone from sight. Connie stepped back in shock, “Whoa!” 

“Where’d they go!?” 

There was a splash in the bathroom and an indignant,  _ “Hey!” _

The other rushed to the bathroom to see Cas being pushed underwater by Lux, the latter looking the closest to worried that any of them had seen. The diamond held the boy underwater while Cas thrashed under his pressure.

Greg ran up to him, “Lux, what are you doing!?” 

“Bleeding! Needed…healing.” he exclaimed, Greg wrapped his arms around him, lifting him up and pulling him from the tub. Cas crested the water, gasping for air. 

“Holy sh―uh,  _ gosh _ , Pink!” he heaved, pushing his sopping wet curls from his face, “What was that?!” 

“You were hurt.” 

“So you tried to drown me?!” 

“Tears heal.”

“You couldn’t just heal me yourself?” 

“Can’t cry.” 

“You…” his eyebrows furrowed, the annoyance on his face evaporating, “you can’t cry?” 

Lux shook his head, “Only when…” he reached out to Cas, placing his hand on Cas’ own. Immediately, big globs of pink tears spilled from his eyes. Tears that seemed too big for his body like he was under the influence of Blue Diamond. His face was still completely blank as Cas’ eyes widened. The human wiped away the tears, but they kept coming.

Cas pulled his arm away, the tears immediately ceased. He blinked, “Pink? Were those real…?” 

The diamond didn’t answer. He stood and went to the opposite side of the bathroom, any sense of emotional openness up in smoke. 

“Sheesh,” Amethyst sighed, perching on the side of the bathtub, “do either of you want to, I don’t know,  _ talk  _ to us or something? Because Cas, you kinda said some messed up stuff before you...you know.” 

Cas’ eyes avoiding everybody else’s, “What did I say?” 

“Stuff about helping people so we’ll need you? And we won’t leave?”

“Did I say that…?” he looked like he didn’t believe it himself, “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?” Greg asked. Cas shook his head, hands snaking into his hair.

“I can’t. I’m sorry, I can’t do this now.” 

“Can’t do what?” 

“I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. It’s too much. Please don’t be mad.”

“We aren’t upset, we just want to help.” Garnet assured, she placed a hand on his shoulder. Cas pulled at his hair harder, Connie stiffened, 

“Hey, hand.” she said, scooting up to the bath and pulling his hands away. She turned back to the group, worry ingrained on her features, “All of us being here is overwhelming him. I think we should leave him alone for a second.” 

He buried his face in his hands, trembling slightly, “Don’t leave me.  _ Please  _ don’t leave me.” 

It was how  _ broken  _ he sounded, that’s what got them. They all exchanged a helpless look, Greg sighed, “Okay, how about I stay with you guys while you calm down? Just some quality time with your favorite dad, is that okay?” Cas considered it for a moment then nodded slowly, “Alright, kiddo.” 

The elder Universe made a small signal to the others which they followed by quietly exiting the room. Pearl offered the two boys a small smile, “We’ll be right outside.” 

“Okay, Pearl.” both answered, a strange dissonance in their voices. The door clicked shut, Greg sat on the tiled floor. Both eyes were on him, staring holes into the back of his head.

“Oof.” he breathed, “Long day, huh?” 

Neither answered, Cas sat in the tub with water dripping down his face while Lux stood in the corner. It was eerie to see his son completely  _ blank,  _ so void of the personality he’d come to know in the past sixteen years, but the situation wasn’t about his comfort―it was about his son(s). Greg patted the space beside him, “Lux, you can sit here with us, if you want.” 

He looked around like Greg was addressing another ‘Lux’, he tilted his head to the side, “Human beings.” he held his hand out as if he were waiting for a high-five. 

“Ah, you’re definitely an honorary human being.” 

“I’m not human. I’m a Diamond.” 

“You’ve been a Diamond the whole time you’ve been my son, Lux.” he smiled, “C’mere, buddy.” Lux stiffly walked over to where he had patted and sat, looking to Greg like he needed approval that he’d done it right. “Great! So. How are you boys doing? I don’t think anybody’s asked you that during everything that’s happened.”

Cas shrugged, Lux stared. 

“Hm. Thought so.” he took a deep breath before he delved into the next topic, “You both said some stuff that’s got me…worried.” he grimaced, “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it now but…it could have something to do with what Dr. Maheswaran talked to me about. Your…uh, your trauma.” 

Both stiffened, watching Greg like hawks.

“I’ve been looking for therapists for Steven but it’s hard because he isn’t a normal kid but you two already know that.” 

Cas frowned, “I-I don’t want to go.” 

“Huh?”

“We don’t need help, w-we’re just being stupid. That’s all.”

Lux scowled, Greg shook his head, “You aren’t being stupid. Steven went through too much as a kid, I didn’t protect him enough, I didn’t...intervene enough. I want to intervene now. All that stuff you boys said about being unstable and not wanting people to leave, there are people who can help you with that.” 

“Disassociating.” Lux said. 

“What?” He pointed to his other half. Cas was staring off into space with an empty expression like he wasn’t even in the same room as him. Greg’s chest tightened, he softly shook him back into reality. It took a few shakes but light returned to Cas’ eyes, “Cas?” 

“Sorry! Sorry. I’m just tired. I’m fine.” 

He sighed heavily, “I don’t know why you don’t think you do but you two  _ deserve  _ some help. You’re going through a rough time right now, I get that, but you don’t need to do it alone. You’ve helped so many people! Even after all the mess you’ve gone through. You’ve become a loving, caring, _ forgiving  _ person.” Lux blinked, “I don’t know  _ how  _ you managed to forgive the Diamonds after everything they did to you.” Lux’s fingers curled inward, “Steven is something special. You both are. Your mother would be so proud of you.” 

Lux stood sharply, “Get out.” 

“Huh?”

“What?”

**_“Get out.”_ **

The hair on Greg’s arms stood up, the air was electric, “Whoa, kiddo. I know it’s a lot to process but―”

**_“Leave us alone.”_ **

Cas’ hands went to his hair, “Pink, just calm―”

**_“STOP CALLING ME THAT.”_ ** the lights flickered, the floor beneath them rumbled. Lux threw the door open,  **_“LEAVE US ALONE_ ** **_NOW_ ** **_.”_ **

Greg jumped up, “Lux! We can talk about it, it’s okay to be upset but―”

Lux flung his arm out, a flare of pink blinded him and the mirror fractured into a million tiny sections. That was a warning enough, he scrambled towards the door with his hands up in surrender. 

“ _ What is wrong with you!?”  _ he heard Cas shout before the door was shut on him. Greg took a deep breath then turned to the wide-eyed faces of the others, 

“ _ Dude. _ ” Amethyst breathed, “What the hell was  _ that!?”  _

“I-I tried talking to them about Steven’s hospital visit. Cas was upset and Lux just got set off somehow. He broke the mirror.” 

“He threw something at it?” Pearl gasped, her hands flying to her mouth in shock.

“No, he hit it.” 

“He  _ what!?”  _ the pale Gem looked like she might just pass out where she stood.

“Steven’s healing powers don’t worry well when he’s upset!” Connie fretted, “He could be hurt!”

Greg paled, he’d been so focused on getting out of Lux’s space before he destroyed something else, he hadn’t even checked, “God, he could be bleeding!” He turned back to the door and reached for the handle. Locked. “He locked it.”

Amethyst ran over and banged on the door, “Dudes! Open up the door!” no response, she groaned, “Fine!” her form glowed as she shrunk and went for the bottom opening before it returned to normal size, “He got me with the towel!” 

“Leave them be.” Garnet ordered, “At least now they’re talking. If they recognize what’s going wrong with their fusion…with  _ Steven _ , then they can fix it.” 

“I don’t think they can fix what’s wrong with Steven by themselves.” Greg sighed, Pearl took out her phone. 

“Then I’m calling over Bismuth, Lapis, and Peridot. Lux does not seem fond of our presence but he may be okay with them.” she opened her phone, “We need all the help we can get.” 

“Yeah.” he looked forlornly to the portrait of the Gems that hung over the landing, where Steven smiled so brightly like he hadn’t in such a long, long time, “We do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what is steven universe if not three separate boys who need therapy?
> 
> \----  
> my state's quarantine got extended/school is canceled so that su watching the show fic ive been trying to convince myself not to do is just...............staring at me..............


	5. Little Talks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back to your completely nonscheduled dumbasses 
> 
> little talks//of monsters and men

𝌃

5

Little Talks

(the truth may vary)

It’s hard to understand an argument when both parties sound the exact same. 

They heard muffled bits and pieces but couldn’t manage to figure out who said what or even  _ what  _ they were talking about. All they knew was that it’d been nearly half an hour and neither boy had exited the bathroom. 

“Man, I can’t believe Steven was a fusion this whole time.” Amethyst muttered under her breath, drumming her fingers against the dinner table, “You were right, Garnet.”

The fusion nodded, unmoving from her space leaned against the wall. Pearl, however, hadn't  _ stopped  _ moving, her long legs walking in a perfect circle. Round and round. Round and round. Amethyst lazily watched her march, “Ugh, Pearl, you’re making me dizzy.” 

_ “How  _ could we’ve not known he was a fusion! He’s  _ our  _ responsibility!” 

Connie shrugged from her spot on the couch, her arms positioned in a familiar meditative pose, “Eh, it’s not that surprising once you think about it.” she continued once attention turned to her, “Don’t get me wrong, I was really freaked out when it happened but Steven’s never been just  _ Steven _ , you know? He talks to himself a lot like he’s having a full conversation with somebody you can’t see and some days he’s just  _ different _ . Not bad different, just different. If you really listen to him, it’s obvious.”

The Gems exchanged a look. All the days where Steven had seemed more animated and excitable that contrasted heavily with the days where he was quieter and more reflective were suddenly thrust into a new light. Had they just been subtle ways the two in the bathroom had made their presence known? Were there times where they spent the whole day on a mission with Lux or an entire afternoon goofing around with Cas and they hadn’t even  _ known?  _ How often was Steven just not  _ Steven _ ? 

So many questions bubbled to the surface, little quirks of his personality that suddenly were glaring red flags that they had looked at with rose-tinted glasses. 

“I just don’t get why he didn’t tell us.” the quartz huffed, kicking her feet out. Greg sighed, 

“You know him. He didn’t want us to worry, he never wants us to worry.”

“Yeah, well, what if I  _ want  _ to worry about Steven nearly dying!?” 

“I don’t know, Amethyst. We can’t force him to talk.”

The warp suddenly washed the house in a pale blue color, the others squinting so they could make out the form of the three Gems that appeared in the house. All three hopped off and gave the house a wary once over, 

“Where’s the fire?” Bismuth asked, hand shapeshifted into a rather lethal-looking pickaxe.

Pearl shook her head, “I didn’t mean  _ a dangerous  _ situation.”

“You said something was up with Steven?” Lapis dissipated her wings, leaning her arm on Peridot’s hair, “Wait.” she looked around, “Where is Steven?” 

“Um…well…” she spared a pleading glance towards Amethyst who immediately averted her eyes, huffing that she ‘wasn’t good with this sort of stuff’, “Steven currently isn’t…with us…”

“ _ What!?”  _ all three gasped, immediately back on high-alert. 

“Is he hurt?”

“Did something attack him?”

“Where is he!?” 

Garnet moved to the middle of the room with a halting hand up, “Calm yourselves. This is an incredibly sensitive situation so you need to understand what is going on. Steven…Steven unfused.”

Peridot’s eyes narrowed, “But he isn’t…”

“Yes. He is. He’s known since our trip to Homeworld.”

“How…?” 

Connie stood, “I got this.” Greg’s steady hand appeared on her shoulder, 

“Connie, are you sure? You seemed a little shaken up after the first time.”

“I’ve got this.” she turned to the other Crystal Gems, Greg kept his hand on her shoulder, “So, it was in White’s head…”

Horror became more and more evident as the teen progressed through the story. Even Gems that had already heard it before found themselves despairing at the recounting―it just didn’t make sense, Steven didn’t deserve it,  _ nobody did _ . Connie held his jacket tighter around her, just to remind herself that he was still around, that he hadn’t been left a corpse on the floor of White’s ship. It smelled so much like him―saltwater and flowers. She finished the recap, pointing towards the bathroom once she mentioned Castor and Pollux. 

“So yeah.” she finished dully, sitting back down and gratefully accepting another all encompassing hug from Greg Universe. 

“I shoulda kept that Breaking Point...” Bismuth grumbled under her breath before taking a seat at the table. She turned back to the still locked bathroom door, “So the diamond’s in there, too?”

“He’s called Pollux. Or Lux, if you want.” 

“Whatever you call him you guys better have a good plan for dealing with him.” she brushed her rainbow dreadlocks aside, “He’s a Diamond, he could shatter all of us in a second if he gets too keyed up.” 

“He’s  _ Steven _ . Part of him anyways.” Connie argued, arms folded, “He wouldn’t hurt any of us.” 

She pointed to the shattered TV, “He did that, right?” 

“It’s not like that. It was showing when White took him out somehow, I don’t know how it happened but―”

Peridot perked up, “Like his dreams!” 

“What?” the room chorused, the tiny green Gem stood on a chair,

“He started broadcasting his dreams to the TV! We were trying to fix the  _ trainwreck  _ that is the Camp Pining Hearts reboot with his new power but it got all…weird and  _ sad?”  _

Pearl’s eyebrow quirked up, “Sad how?” 

“Well, at first it was going great! But we kept trying and then his dreams got weirder and weirder, he started dreaming that he was…chasing after me. He was begging me not to leave him saying that he can’t be a good friend without something to fix.” she sighed, “He started crying in real life so I-I woke him up.” 

“Cas was saying the same thing.” Garnet stated, “He didn’t want us to leave him.” 

“Steven…” Amethyst groaned, laying her head on the table, “P-dot, when did he say all this stuff?” 

“A couple weeks ago? He told me that it was just a weird dream and that he was fine.”

She rolled her eyes, “Was he glowing pink?” 

“Yes…?” 

“He wasn’t fine.” she blew a raspberry, “Yo, Greg. Was the whole Pink thing the reason he went to the…the hospital?”

Greg dragged his hands down his face, “I think so. I didn’t even know he was there until Connie called me. He didn’t tell me he was even going.”

“Well,” Connie shrugged, “I basically had to force him to go. He was swelling up or like, shapeshifting? But uncontrollably. He saw my mom and I went to call Greg while he got a check up but then he sort of lost his cool.” she exhaled sharply, rolling her thumb against the palm of her hand, “He had a panic attack or something like it. I tried to get my mom out of there because we were obviously stressing him out by being there a-and Steven…yelled at me to leave.”

“ _ Steven  _ yelled at  _ you?”  _ Lapis furrowed her brow, “I don’t think he’s ever yelled at anyone! He never yelled at  _ me  _ and I nearly drowned him!” 

An indescribable expression flashed across Connie’s face for a split second, she sighed and ran a hand through her short hair. 

“Point is. He’s really strung out right now. I’ve been trying to call him for  _ weeks  _ to try and talk about what happened but he never picked up and he hasn’t been talking to the Gems so it’s just been him in his own head up there.” she glanced up to the ceiling, “That isn’t good.”

Pearl’s pacing finally ended, she took to bouncing on her heels, “B-But he’d  _ tell  _ us if something was wrong! Is he sick!?”

Greg stood, looking more hollowed out than any had seen from the joyous man, “Yes. Yes, Steven is sick but not  _ physically  _ sick. Priyanka―Connie’s mom, Steven’s doctor, I guess―she said there’s enough to, uh, to diagnose him with, uh, C-PTSD. We need to take him to a psychiatrist to be sure but still.”

“C-PT―what?”

“Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, probably some other stuff, too, she thinks. His brain works differently because of all the  _ stuff  _ he went to, he needs help. He needs  _ our  _ help.” 

A tiny click and a slight groan. Connie looked to the bathroom door that had cracked open slightly, a tuft of curly pink hair and a fraction of Lux’s face peeking out. She considered bringing attention to it but decided against it―she knew he trusted her most for whatever reason, their small break outside had mostly been him clinging to her and silently buzzing with energy. She gave him a small wave and, meekly, he returned it then closed the door yet again. A small part of her felt disappointed. Lux was hard to understand, granted so was Cas, but the absolute ambiguousness of the diamond was hard to parse together. She had bits and pieces: He was quiet, he was just as physically affectionate, and he couldn’t express emotions―it was confusing. He was still part of Steven, she just had to remember that; if she was half the person Steven made her feel like, she wouldn’t give up on either of them. 

“...nnie? Connie?” 

She snapped back to reality, finally tearing her eyes from the shut bathroom door to look at Greg, “Huh?” 

“I was asking if there was anything you remember Steven talking about sticking with him other than…y’know. It might help us know where to start.” 

She remembered back to late-night calls with Steven whispering on the other side―whispering about how he dreamt of Jasper’s corruption again, about him having to poof Bismuth, about him being flung out into space and nearly stabbed, about having to face his mother and having to justify his existence…having to come to terms with what she’d done. 

“It’s not really my place to tell you.” she decided, “He’ll tell you when he’s ready. He really can’t talk about the whole White thing, neither of us like to, but all the other stuff he should tell you himself.” 

“That’s fair enough, I guess.” he turned back to the Gems, “And you guys really can’t think of anything?”

Amethyst grimaced, “Other than him finding out that Rose was Pink? I dunno, man. Maybe the Cluster? He didn’t really seem that shaken up after it, though. Is there anybody else who’d know? Because we’re kinda useless.” 

“Steven does hang around that one pink human a lot.” Peridot offered. 

Garnet nodded, “Lars. The donut boy.”

Connie straightened, her hand immediately going for her back pocket, “Right! I have his number, we can just call him!” 

She opened her phone, swiping and tapping until she reached Lars' contact. Swallowing the social anxiety she felt about calling somebody she’d only talked to once or twice, she tapped the icon and put the phone on speaker, holding it out for everybody to hear. 

It rang. Once, twice, 

_ “Hello…?”  _

“Lars!” she jumped up, “H-Hi!” 

_ “Hey, Connie. What’s up?”  _ the ambient sounds of the ship and soft chatter of the Off-Colors sounded off from behind him. 

“It’s Steven, there’s a…situation.”

“Tell him he’s a fusion!” Pearl prompted, walking over to get closer to the phone, Connie gave her an okay signal.

“Steven’s a fusion also. That’s important to know.” 

_ “Uh...yeah? I know that. I thought you did too, he said you were there when White Diamond split him. You two came up with their names, right? Castor and, uh, Pollux.”  _

“I―What? He  _ told  _ you?! When?”

_ “When you guys got back. He was, like, super jumpy all of the sudden so I kept asking until he spilled. Why?”  _

“And he just told you!?” Amethyst shrieked softly, offense written clearly on her face. 

“Well…he unfused.”

_ “He WHAT?” _

“Unfused.” 

_ “Shit, really? H-He shouldn’t be able to do that.”  _

“I know. He’s been really stressed lately so he...fell apart. They locked themselves in the bathroom.” she glanced to the door again, “I’m here with the Gems right now and we’re trying to see if there’s anything we’re missing that he could be stressing over.”

A pause and the sound of footsteps. Lars’ voice was suddenly much easier to hear, he’d gone into a different room. 

_ “He had a little freakout during the Off-Colors’ graduation. He trapped me and the gang in this big dome because he was worried about all of us leaving. He couldn’t control it, I think. Went all weird and Pink too, but, I mean, look who’s talking.” _

There it was again. Steven panicking over people leaving, since when had he been afraid that people would leave? 

“Okay. Uh, wow, okay. Yeah, that’s the type of stuff we were thinking about.” she bounced her leg up and down, up and down, “I-Is there anything else?”

_ “Uh…well, yeah.”  _ he clicked his tongue,  _ “He hasn’t done this in forever but he used to text me whenever he was in a crisis mode. The texts usually didn’t make a lot of sense, I think he just had to tell somebody something.”  _

“Wha…what did he use to say?”

_ “Stuff about nightmares, I dunno. Like I said, they didn’t make a lot of sense.”  _ he sighed,  _ “Hey, I-I really care about Steven, okay? Not just because he brought me back to life or whatever. He’s really great but that kid has some  _ **_damage_ ** _. I’m gonna try and get back on-planet soon so I can see him but please let me know when he’s okay…if he’s okay.”  _

“Yeah, Lars, of cours―” 

“Bismuth, Lapis, Peridot? Whaaat are you guys doing here?” 

Cas’ voice brought all their attention to the two that had somehow slipped back into the main part of the house without notice. Cas was draped on Lux’s side, dripping water onto the floor. The latter’s eyes were wide, his pupils like crosshairs. 

“Uh, I’ll call you back later.” Connie stowed away her phone, “Cas, what are you doing out of the bath?”

He weakly waved her concerns off, “It’s okay, Connie. We’re fusing back anyway, Lux agreed that…Lux?” he gently squeezed the hand currently draped over his double’s shoulder. His double that had gone completely rigid, “Lux, are you okay? You’re holding onto me kinda hard...” 

“S―” his words were cut off by him glitching harder than he had before, Cas pulled away from his touch, falling to the floor heavily. The glitches halted, Lux looked genuinely rattled, “Shatter.” 

“Lux, whoa, what’s wrong?” 

“Me. Shattered. Tried to. Tried to  _ shatter. Didn’t want to hurt― _ ” he glitched again, shaking it off and pressing his trembling hands against his chest, “Drown you. Cold. Cold. Can’t  _ breathe, can’t breathe!”  _

Cas struggled to stand, “Lux, we’re not there right now! C’mon, it’s alright! We’re safe.” 

“No one believed us. Nobody―had to know, taken when asleep. Taken.” he took a staggering step back, his fingertips glitching and his body seizing up, “And falling, can’t w-work. Can’t help her. The crack is bigger than before, can’t―right in front of us. R-Right in front of us.”

“H-Hey! No, Garnet’s okay! She’s okay!”

He seized up, coming to a complete standstill before he lit up again, the pink dancing against the windows and the floorboards, “I’m not her. _I’m not her._ _I’m not her._ ** _I’m not―_** _”_

There was the  _ overwhelming  _ smell of ozone, a flare of pretty pink smoke, and a sickening  _ thud  _ as his diamond hit the ground. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lux: im fine. im good.  
> lux: [sees 3 more triggers along with the other 3 triggers he's had to deal with]  
> lux: haha anyways✌️   
> \-----  
> next chapter is a lil look on what those good good boys talked about..........also its named after a mitski song so thats a warning


	6. Last Words of a Shooting Star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what Were those good, good boys talking about in that there bathroom? let's find out!
> 
> last words of a shooting star // mitski   
> (warning the first time i heard this song i think i legally died for seven minutes, i love you mitski)

𝌃

6

Last Words of a Shooting Star

(they'll think of me kindly when 

they come for my things)

“ _ What is wrong with you!?” _

Cas shrieked as Lux slammed the door to the bathroom, his fists shaking with barely contained frustration. He turned back to the door, turned the lock and threw a towel down onto the ground before falling to the ground, cradling his head in his hands. The annoyance that had built up in him dissipated slightly. Neither spoke. Somebody was knocking on the door and ordering them out, Lux shook his head vehemently wordlessly. The knocking faded finally. 

“...Pink?” he frowned, “Are you…”

“Why are you calling me that?”

His eyebrows furrowed, “You’re…I mean, you  _ are  _ Pink Diamond.” 

“I can’t be her.” he raised his bright pink eyes to meet his dark brown ones, “I’m not her anymore, Castor. I’m Steven, now, I’m… _ we’re  _ Steven, now.” 

“I-I didn’t realize you didn’t like being called that.”

“Hate it.” 

“I’m…really sorry.” 

“Okay.” 

“You’re still upset.” Cas sat up straight in the tub, leaning over the side. 

Lux looked up, “I am.” 

“Figured.” he clicked his tongue, “I wish I could read you better, Pink―sorry, Lux. I mean, we’ve been fused for sixteen years, six months, and three days―”

“―and thirty-seven minutes―”

“Yeah, I’m just saying that…well, uh, you crying kinda freaked me out.” he scratched his arm, “When you touched me I think I felt what you felt―I didn’t realize that you were…so upset.”

Lux shrugged minutely, “Thought you didn’t care.” 

“Why wouldn’t I care?!” 

“You don’t like me.”

Cas frowned, “What? I like you! Of course…I like you.” 

He sighed despite his lack of lungs, “I remind you of her.” 

“What  _ doesn’t _ ?” she blew a raspberry, “I swear, sometimes we land different after floating and it feels like Steven just got doused with cold water. I’m just glad we stopped having Diamond dreams at least, we already think about her all the time when we’re awake, right?” 

“Yes.” he was still shaking, Cas’ eyes drifted to the mirror then to Lux’s twitching hand. 

“Are you hurt?” he muttered, Lux shook his head, “Why’d you do that? You’ve wanted to talk about how messed up Steven is for a while―it’s basically why we fell apart, Greg Dad started talking about it and you…did that…”

“Scary.” Lux said, “Said things―Thought it’d be easier to talk.” he traced the tile with his fingers, he froze then broke into glitches. Cas averted his eyes from the bright colors that he flashed. Lux slumped over further, “Ugh.” 

“Are you cracked?!” he crawled from the tub, quickly moving to his other half and pulling up his shirt, “You’re not cracked, okay. Okay, good. But why are you glitching? Does it hurt?” 

“...” 

“ _ Lux. _ Does it hurt?” he didn’t answer, Cas groaned, “Fine.” he took Lux’s hand, the diamond blinked away sudden tears, “You can talk to me you know, we’re technically the same person.” 

He wiped away some of the tears, “Y-You’re easier to talk to…without them.” 

“Without the Gems? Sure, I guess. I’m just trying to be the Steven they like―the smaller one who smiled more. Do you think I’m doing a good job?

“No.”

“Ugh,” he snickered, leaning his head on his shoulder, “I know. It’s easier, though, they don’t worry as much.” Lux shrugged, “What makes you so uncomfortable about them?” 

“They hurt us. They hurt  _ Steven _ .”

“They didn’t mean to! They love us.”

“Like Volleyball.”

“Well, I…yeah. Yeah, like Volleyball.” 

They quieted. Hands intertwined and eyes averted, Cas tried to separate his feelings from Lux’s. It was strange to have to do that, usually they were just Steven―their feelings were Steven’s, there was no reason to know which side it came from. It was definitely preferable to when they were entirely separate; this was the first time Cas had been fully conscious while they were separated and how  _ empty  _ it felt unnerved him. Like a picture that had a person cut out, a space where somebody should be. 

Lux looked at him, tears still dripping from 

“We’re angry at something.”

“Each other?”

“Maybe.” 

“Why?”

“You don’t want me to talk.”

He sighed, “It’s easier if we don’t; they’ve come so far, I don’t want to send them back. You saw what Cactus Steven did, it was a mess! We’ve got this under control.”

“We don’t.” he spat forcefully, “We don’t have this under con-control.” 

Cas could tell this conversation was hard for Lux. Even when they were fused, Lux barely said two words, bar the argument they had when Steven first went Pink and the two had spent most of the next three days arguing over whose fault it was that he did that and puzzling over why Jasper’s words had felt like a knife in Steven’s chest or a match to gasoline. He didn’t like talking, which is why Cas usually did most of it in Steven’s head or the rare times when he fronted when they were still fused. 

“It hurts.” Lux continued, “Being  _ us  _ hurts. Not physically but―” he tapped his temple, his pink eyes focused on him with unbreakable concentration, “you feel it, too.”

“Something’s wrong with our heads which means there’s something wrong with Steven’s head.” he nudged him, “It’s probably the same thing that’s making your powers go…not normal. ”

“Hm.” 

“Dad said a lot of stuff about us being broken.”

“Defective.” 

“Yeah.” he exhaled, “Rose wouldn’t be  _ proud  _ of us! D-Do we even  _ want  _ her to be proud of us? Of Steven? It’d kinda feel like a slap in the face, like:  _ Good job, son! You cleaned up all my messes! You finished your reason for existing!  _ Maybe she’d even say sorry. _ ”  _ he breathed out a weak laugh, Lux tightened his hold on his hand, “I know it pissed you off, dude. I’ve only seen you get that mad at White, heh. You’re usually not...angry.” 

He looked off, the motion as robotic and stilted as his typically were, “I am, though. I am…more o-often than usual…I just” his face screwed up. Electricity moved up Cas’ arm, he moved his hand to his shoulder, 

“Whoa, whoa, don’t stress yourself out. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.” 

_“I_ **_WANT_** _TO!”_

Cas flinched away from the sudden shout and the wave of energy that flung off of him, Lux reacted to his flinching by pulling away from his touch and scrambling closer to the door. His face going eerily blank but his eyes still holding a prick of panic. 

“I’m sorry.” he whispered, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m―”

“Lux, c’mon it’s fine. You saw the X-Ray, it takes a lot more to get me out of commission. I’ve pretty much broken every bone in my―our body.” 

And  _ boy _ did he feel it. With them unfused, there was no healing magic to dull the pain of having multiple fractures on nearly every inch of his skeleton. The tears helped but waking up to have all that  _ pain  _ weighing on him had brought him back to White’s head in the worst way possible. 

Lux’s hands found their way into his curls, “I hurt you. I hurt people.” 

“Hey! Hand.” he dragged himself over to Lux and pulled his hand away from where Lux was pulling at his hair with a force that told him that he hadn’t intended on stopping until he poofed (stars forbid), “You  _ didn’t  _ hurt me. And we don’t hurt people, we  _ help  _ them―we’re Steven Universe!” 

“ _ You _ don’t hurt people.” he rebutted, “I’m getting more of her powers. I’m becoming more like her, I’m...hurting people.” he pointed to his eyes, specifically to the bright white pupils in the center, “I didn’t have these last time we separated, I do now.”

“But you aren’t her, we know that for a  _ fact _ . If you were her, you’d  _ be  _ her.” 

“I hurt Jasper.” 

“We both went overboard.”

“I…I  _ want  _ to hurt the Diamonds.” he shook, “No.  _ No. _ I want to…I want them to know what they did t-to…us. My head is so―” he shook his hands around to illustrate something, “I don’t know how bad I can get.” 

“You’re not bad! Lux, don’t be crazy, y―” 

“You aren’t scared of me, Castor? Of what I might  _ make  _ us do?” he looked like he was challenging him to answer, “You aren’t scared of the future?”

It wasn’t a challenge he was ready to accept out loud. 

Silence reigned, the rumble of the pipes and the soft distant voices of their family were the only sound between them. Cas’ leg bounced up and down in that annoying way it did when his thoughts raced in never-ending circles. 

How could Lux even ask that? He knew the answer. 

They’d faced towering toxic fusions hellbent on destroying him, friends shattered and mutated beyond recognition, being torn apart and suddenly so aware of each other’s existence but beyond all that―the future was the scariest thing Cas could think of. 

He held himself, trying to fill in the void that their fusion, that Steven, did. 

(Nobody needs Steven anymore. Everybody’s safe and his time is done.) 

He balled his shaking hands into a fist.

(Why is he still here?)

His chest spasmed, not enough air entering into his lungs. His broken bones creaked.

(What does he do next?) 

The room suddenly felt too small, too small, too small.  _ Don’t pull your hair.  _

( _ I CAN’T BE AROUND YOU RIGHT NOW)  _

“Connie!” he gasped, Lux looked at him wide-eyed, “C-Connie, she’s still here right?  _ Please, please  _ tell me she’s still here.”

The diamond nodded, wordlessly unlocking the door and checking outside. After a moment he ducked his head back in, “Still here.”

If Lux was worried, he couldn’t tell. Figures. 

“Is she mad? Does she seem mad?”

“I don’t know.” he pointed to his hand, “Waved.” 

He imagined Connie mad, he imagined Connie tapping her foot thinking why she ever wasted her time with the weird kid who was actually two weirder kids jammed together that had proposed to her, ruining  _ any  _ chance of any future they had together completely and forever, and screamed at her within twenty-four hours of each other. 

Cas curled into himself, murmuring after some time, “We have to fuse back.”

“Fuse back?” he shook his head, “We can’t. Unstable.”

“We can force it. J-Just until everybody leaves.” he shakily came to a standing position, swaying slightly, “Then we can just fall apart again and talk about it, okay?” 

Lux blinked, then stood. Cas slumped onto him. 

He heard Lux sniff, he looked over to see silent tears rolling down his face. That emptiness in him grew, he reached out and wiped away what he could, “I know. Sorry.” Lux pushed open the bathroom door and used his arm to wipe away the rest, “It’ll be okay.” Cas promised. 

They shambled out, nobody seemed to notice their presence. Cas tilted his head at the three newcomers while Lux’s grip tightened to an almost uncomfortable degree, 

“Bismuth, Lapis, Peridot? Whaaat are you guys doing here?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cas: it'll b ok  
> cas, 3 seconds later holding lux's diamond in his hands: h


	7. Wolfcat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing characters being h*terosexual is my greatest struggle, god help me
> 
> wolfcat by still woozy   
> (this song is so cute PLEASE listen)

𝌃

7

Wolfcat 

(no i’ll never mind, do it a thousand times) 

Everybody held their breath. 

Nobody dared to look anywhere other than the diamond that fell to the floor, the light glinting off facets usually unseen. Cas looked like he was about to disappear right alongside him, his eyes blown wide and his mouth hanging slightly open. 

“Lux…?” he whispered, barely audible, “N-No. You c-can’t, you... _ Lux?”  _

He didn’t move, looking more like a statue than a human. 

Amethyst stared, her eyes barely lifting from the ground, “Cas, dude. It’s okay, h-he’ll reform in no time.” 

_ “You don’t know that!”  _ he hissed, the light tone in his voice completely missing, “He-he hasn’t poofed like this in  _ six thousand years!  _ I can’t―I just―” his chest rose and fell frantically, Connie rushed over to him, taking his hands into hers.

“Breathe with me, Cas, okay? In, one, two―”

“No!” he gasped out, ripping his hands away and picking the diamond up from the floor, cradling it with care, “When is he coming back?! How could he just  _ leave  _ like that!” 

Pearl began to pace again, worry etched on her features, “What even caused it?! He was fine and then he just  _ wasn’t!”  _

“The glitches, P.” Amethyst explained, “He glitched and then― _ poof!”  _

“But the things he was saying,” she tapped her chin, “what was he talking about…”

“He was  _ scared!”  _ Cas snapped, a fire in his voice. Focused turned to him in a heartbeat, his pale hands trembled against the smooth surface, “He was scared because he doesn’t want to get hurt again like we have over and over and over again! Like  _ who knows,”  _ his voice took on a menacingly jokey tone, “maybe we’ll almost drown again! Or get kidnapped, or nearly fall to our death, or see someone shapeshift into our mom, o-or get punched into  _ space _ , or maybe even try to  _ shatter us,  _ or...or...just―” he sniffed as tears raced down his red face, “or…” he held the diamond closer, “I’m sorry.” 

He up and ran, his bare feet not stopping him from running out the screen door in the slightest. His quick steps faded leaving only wet spots to show that he’d ever been in the room in the first place.

“What was that…?” Peridot questioned softly, staring at the slammed door. 

“Bro,” Amethyst wrung her hands together, “h-he wasn’t talking about  _ us  _ right?” 

Connie groaned, taking fistfuls of her hair and turning to give the Gems and withering glare, “Of  _ course  _ he was! God! How much clearer could he make it?! Lapis, you tried to drown  _ both of us!”  _

A dark blue blush spread across the Gem’s cheeks, “B-but he said it was okay…”

“Because he’s  _ Steven!  _ And he’s really kind and gentle and  _ forgiving  _ and he doesn’t want any of you to worry about him!” 

“Hold on, Connie,” Amethyst held her hands up in defense, “ _ none  _ of us have tried to shatter Steven―that’s crazy.” 

The girl’s glare focused in on Bismuth who averted her eyes, “Bismuth? Anything to add?” 

The Gems turned, her silence confirmed the accusation. Garnet bristled, “No…”

“What the  _ fuck?”  _ Amethyst whispered. 

“Ugh!” Connie pulled Steven’s jacket closer, “I don’t have time for this―I’m gonna go get him. You guys fight it out or whatever.” she stalked towards the door, she offered a gentler glance to Greg, “Do you want to come with me?”

He shook his head, “You all good, Connie. I think I need to have a conversation with the Gems anyways.”

Connie nodded and took off into the evening, the sky turning a shade of mauve streaked with pale pink clouds that reflected against the glittering ocean. Steven would’ve loved it, he loved sitting out on the beach when the sky was pretty and she loved being with him when he did it. Her shoes kicked up sand as she raced down the shoreline, “Cas!!” she called, “Cas, it’s Connie! I-I just want to make sure you’re okay. Where are you?” 

“Down here.” 

She stopped just short of a massive pit in the sand she’d missed when Lion teleported her in; sure enough, Cas was laying on his back with Lux’s diamond sat on his chest and silent tears streaming down his face. 

“Cas!” she gasped, carefully sliding down the pit and sitting beside him, “You...okay?” 

He shrugged, which was Steven for absolutely not. 

(Did he get that from Cas? Did he  _ get  _ traits from his halves even when he hadn’t known they existed? Interesting question but not one for the moment.) 

She tentatively brushed her hands through his sand covered hair, she gazed around at the pit they sat in, “What happened here?” 

He sighed, looking at her. In the light she could see that he was missing the light tint of pink that Steven had in his eyes, eyes she’d looked into a million times before and hopefully a million times to come. 

“I’m sorry we proposed to you.” he breathed, embarrassment and shame clouding his expression, “And I’m sorry for yelling at you at the hospital.”

She cocked her head to the side, “You guys are under a lot of stress. I don’t think Steven would’ve unfused if you  _ weren’t _ , it’s okay.”

“It isn’t, though. We, ugh, we put you on the spot and asked you to be Stevonnie forever…it was stupid.”

“Well, I mean…yeah, that probably wasn’t your proudest moment.” she shrugged, “It was really cute up to the whole… _ proposal _ , the picnic was  _ adorable _ .”

“Heh, yeah.”

“Where was it, by the way? I thought it was near here but―”

“It was here.” he sheepishly shrugged, “We may have had a little bit of a meltdown and y’know  _ powers _ .”

Connie groaned up to the sky, “Steven…” she laid back in the sand, “I  _ knew  _ he wasn’t okay, that’s why I wanted to stay!”

“But we’d already taken up so much of your time! We used your entire study break just to do something _dumb_ and ruin any chance at a future with you…” 

She scoffed, “Cas. I said ‘not yet’. Not yet isn’t a no.”

“...It isn’t?” 

“No!” she rolled her eyes, “Not yet means when we’re older. I don’t even turn  _ sixteen  _ until November, Cas! And…like…” she hoped the dim light hid how much she was blushing, “we’re not even dating.” 

“D-Do you...want to?” 

Even separated, his starry eyes were brighter than galaxies. 

“Cas, ugh!” she laughed exasperatedly, “I  _ want _ Steven in my future, I want all of you in my future! I don’t know why you’d ever think I don’t.”

“Because you’re going to college…and I, er, w-we’ve never even been to  _ school _ . Connie,” he looked at her with deadly seriousness, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but Steven can’t really...count money...” 

“Why do you think I always handle checks whenever we go out? I’ve known since he paid forty dollars for a donut, silly.” she chuckled, Cas snorted, “And college ends…no matter where I go, one day I’ll be done and then we can just...go from there.”

“Like…live together?” his voice was so soft, like he was afraid to commit to saying it out loud. 

“If you want.” 

“Can we get a cat?” 

She giggled, a smile spreading over her face, “That’s  _ such  _ a you thing to say, oh my god. But yeah, we could get a cat!”

“Oh, what would we name it? Would Lion get jealous?” he seemed to consider the hypothetical, whispering to himself,  _ “Would Lion get jealous of Strawberry…?”  _

The smile grew, “Strawberry? Did you just name our hypothetical cat?” 

“Yes! It’s perfect, because the cat would be cute and small! Like a strawberry!” 

“But not red.”

“Not red…”

She settled in, looking up to watch the appearing stars in the sky, “I like it. Strawberry’s a good name. We’d have to check if our apartment even  _ allows  _ cats! If they don’t we’ll just have to...sneak it in!”

“Connie!” Cas faux-gasped, “Breaking the  _ law?  _ Oh, what’s gotten into you!”

“You fought against a dictatorship!”

“ _ We  _ did that.” he gently took the diamond and laid it in the sand, making sure it was completely stable and safe before he turned to his side. Connie mirrored his position, “That’d be fun―you and Steven living together. We could decorate it all pretty and get loads of plants, non-sentient ones.”

“Maybe we can even get out of Delmarva.”

“I don’t want to run away, though.” he blinked his big eyes with those infuriatingly pretty eyelashes. 

“You wouldn’t be running away, you’d be moving on.” 

“Huh.”

“I used to live in this one city that you guys would  _ love!”  _ she beamed, blowing a strand of hair from her face that annoyingly fell right back in the way, “It’s got an apple farm.”

His face lit up in the way she knew it would, “Sold!”

She gave a snorting laugh, Cas joined in. 

(It might’ve just been wishful thinking but in the soft light of the fading sun she could’ve sworn his face was dusted with a pale pink as his eyes squinted and his laugh rang like a bell she’d missed so much.) 

It settled down, Cas was still holding her eye contact, “Steven could cook for you!” 

“You’re going to―I’m terrible at cooking.”

“You aren’t bad at anything.”

“You’ve never seen me cook.”

“Fair.” he reached over and tucked her wayward strand of hair behind her ear. Her face burned, “You’d come home from a long day of being the president and Steven would make you two something and then you guys could just  _ hang out _ together. Just you and him.” 

“Maybe go stargazing.” she suggested, “Make up new constellations.” 

He smiled, “Steven would like that. I-I would like that.” his eyes drifted, “Are you sure though?”

“Sure about what?”

“Wanting a future with Steven and, I dunno, me and Lux? This-” he gestured to himself, “this could happen again. Me and Lux could get mad at each other and just  _ split;  _ Steven didn’t see this coming―hell,  _ we  _ didn’t see this coming.” 

“Cas, I don’t care about that. I’m sure.” 

He sat up, fidgeting with the edge of his shirt, “I-I mean, there’s never been anything like Steven, ever. Isn’t it  _ selfish  _ to ask you t-to deal with us? Steven’s not even sure if he can die, Connie, I don’t want to put that burden on you. The burden of our future.” she sat up, tears began to well up in his eyes, “A-And Gems might come attack Earth again and come after  _ you _ . And his powers aren’t even guaranteed to work all the time because we’re a hybrid or they just go haywire because we’re a D-Diamond, and we might  _ hurt you... _ we already did. Plus with all this stuff about how we’re messed up in the head and he-he’s been researching it and people live their  _ whole lives  _ messed up and just―” he looked at her, so vulnerable and so, so scared, “doesn’t that just make you want to run?” 

She absorbed his words. Sure, she knew she was in uncharted waters when it came to Steven, Steven was the _definition_ of uncharted waters but that’d never stopped her. Every anxiety, every fear washed away at the sound of his laughter or the way his hands moved when he played guitar or his silliness or his determination. 

Gently, she laced her fingers together with Cas’, 

“I’m not running.” she whispered, so assuredly like it was the easiest answer in the world. 

Cas blinked, tears trekking down his face. A soft breeze tousled his curly hair, his hand was warm against her’s. 

They were so close.

They locked eyes and there was a question, Cas licked his lips, 

“Connie, ca-can I―”

She cut him off by pressing her lips against his like she’d dreamed of a thousand times before, tender and soft. He excitedly kissed her back, cupping her jaw and putting his all into it. For a moment, she wondered how many times Steven had thought about this moment―the boy who’d been planning a wedding for nobody in particular since he could read had probably put just as much thought into a kiss. 

It felt like it, too. No  _ way  _ this was his first kiss like it was her’s. 

They pulled apart, both red in the face and grinning. She tucked hair behind her ears, unsure of her ability to speak without it sounding like an incomprehensible babble. Her joy dampened slightly when she spotted Cas’ grin fade to a sad smile. 

“...Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s just…Garnet was right.” he shrugged, “Like always, I guess.” 

Her eyebrows furrowed, “What do you mean?” 

“Well, you know, it’s―ah, this is hard to say.” 

Connie offered him an understanding smile, “Take your time.” 

He sighed, pulling his knees up to his chest and readjusting the diamond in the sand, “Steven…Steven feels like he can take on  _ anything  _ as Stevonnie, y’know? They’re just so  _ confident  _ and they always know what to do but when it’s just him, when it’s just  _ us,  _ it’s not like that.”

“Is that why he proposed?” 

“Basically.” he shrugged, “It’s easier to breathe as Stevonnie, it never feels like too much but being Steven is just… _ so much.  _ It’s suffocating, every day lately has just been harder and harder and harder. Sometimes it’s like what’s the point of getting up in the morning, bleh.” he laughed without any humor, Connie felt her heart break, 

“Steven could’ve talked to me, to his dad, to the Gems even! Why didn’t he―”

“Because he loves you guys. He loves you guys  _ so much  _ and you all count on him to have it together, and he doesn’t want you guys to see that he’s falling apart. He gets it from me, honestly.” he cupped her hand, “You know we love you Connie. All three of us. But it’s not fair for you to give up everything so we can keep our head above water. We have to be good on our own.” 

“You don’t have to be alone.”

“I know.” he placed a hand on his bare stomach, “ _ This?  _ Being unfused? It’s  _ scary. _ I’m totally alone, I didn’t realize how much I needed Steven and Lux until they’re gone. I don’t know, maybe me and Lux need to be apart more often…learn how to be okay by ourselves. I don’t want to, though.” he brushed sand off the diamond’s largest facet, the one that had pretended to be a Rose Quartz, “I miss him like crazy. I really, really do. 

“I can’t imagine what it’s like.” 

“Lonely. Like, more lonely than I’ve ever been. I didn’t even know he  _ existed  _ or that  _ I  _ existed until two years ago but I can’t imagine being without him and Steven. We’ve all been avoiding each other honestly, in a more abstract type of way, and I think that’s a problem. I don’t want to think about Mom so I don’t think about the Diamonds but I  _ am  _ a Diamond, Lux doesn’t want to think about what’s happened to us but he wants to get some sort of  _ closure _ . We’re being pulled in all sorts of directions, it’s so  _ confusing _ . Every breath is full of  _ anxiety  _ and questions and fear and whatever.” he stood, picking the diamond out of the sand and holding it in one hand while offering Connie his other hand, she took it and he pulled her up, “I think we have to learn how to breathe, all three of us so…I have to let the Gems and Dad know Steven’s been holding his breath.” 

Connie’s eyes widened, “You’re gonna tell them everything?”

“Y-Yeah. Hopefully.” he scratched his neck, “Best I can.”

She smiled, pulling him in for a tight hug, “I’m really proud of you three. And I love you, too.”

“D’awww, Connie.” he pushed back her bangs and planted a chaste kiss on her forehead that sent her heart racing, “C’mon, let’s get out of here.” 

* * *

Greg had the Gems all on the couch when they finally got back up on the steps, all of them all had variable looks of embarrassment on their faces. Garnet had even removed her visor, all three eyes pointed to the floor in thought. 

“ _Ooo_ , the Gems are in _trouble_.” Connie taunted quietly, Cas’ eyebrow quirked up, 

“What happened?” he grimaced, “Is this about what I said?”

“Yeah. Plus, I kinda chewed them out after you left.”

He snickered, “Of course you did.” he pushed the screen open, “You first, Miss Maheswaran.”

“Thank you, Mr. Universe.” 

“Castor. Connie.” Garnet stood once they entered as did Pearl and Amethyst, “You’re back.”

“Oh, Cas!” Pearl whimpered, “We’re so sorry, about everything.”

“Yeah, dude.” Amethyst added, “Are you okay? Do you need something, we got you―anything.” 

Peridot chimed in, “I could even go get the tapes of Camp Pining Hearts so we could make fun of it together!” 

“Th-Thanks guys but…” he took a deep breath and sat on the bench under the window, “I just really want to talk to you about everything going on.”

“All ears, buddy.” Bismuth promised, putting a lot of work into looking as open as possible. 

Cas cradled the diamond in his arm, he coughed, “Well, uh, I…Steven is…um…” he blinked furiously, his eyes fixed on the ground, “St-Steven is, well, uh…maybe… _this is hard._ Oh, no, _this is_ ** _hard_** **.** Maybe I shouldn’t. Oh, no, oh, no, oh―oh?” the gem in his arm lit up, washing Cas’ face in bright pink light, “Oh!” 

It lifted into the air, inverting itself and flashing as a 15-foot-tall woman with big poofy hair. 

“Pink…” Pearl marveled, a hand ghosting over her mouth. 

The diamond flipped. It compressed into a 8-foot-tall woman with loose, splayed out ringlets. 

“Rose!” most gasped, fingers crossed that they’d get who they wanted. Who the diamond was now. 

Thankfully, it compressed one more time to a barely 5-foot-7 teenage boy. The glow subsided and Lux landed gracefully, looking completely bewildered before being completely tackled by Cas.

“LUX IS BACK!!!” he shouted, squeezing the diamond tight in his arms, “Are you okay?!” he checked over him, “You don’t look any different.” 

“Didn’t want to.” he shrugged, “Are you okay?”

“Who  _ cares?!”  _

“I do!” he retorted, the two embraced each other again. Lux looked up from the hug, seemingly just noticed they had an audience, “Oh.” 

“Heyo, bud…” Amethyst awkwardly waved, “welcome back.” 

“Hi.” he turned to Cas with clear ‘help me’ eyes, Cas grabbed his hand and helped him up. He leaned against him like he always did. 

“It’s okay.” Cas promised, “I don’t want to avoid it anymore.” Lux brightened, “But I’m  _ so  _ glad you’re back because I was, like, bombing  _ hard. _ ” 

“Okay.” the two sat on the bench in sync, Lux nodded, “Where do we start?”

“The beginning, I guess.” he nervously bounced his leg, “Ready?”

“Ready.”

So they talked. About everything from old fears to new anxieties, small problems to massive triggers. Only interrupted when Cas briefly shut down or Lux glitched at the mention of certain events. They talked about nightmares Steven had had about things he had promised didn’t bother him and nights spent on the phone with Lars or Connie that turned into nights by himself where he paced to his room until he passed out or the sun rose, whichever came first. They talked and everybody else listened. 

Connie was impressed, honestly. In the years she’d known the Gems they’d never been the best at understanding social cues, even Steven wasn’t the greatest at it at times, but they didn’t cut in once. Only blushing when one of the boys mentioned them or mouthing a silent apology. Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Greg seemed to be paying the closest attention―hanging onto every word that came out of their mouth with concentration Connie had only seen on the battlefield. If she could, Connie bet that Pearl would’ve taken notes. She probably was in some distinctly Pearl way.

The boys were still skipping over things. She could tell. Small gestures like Lux shifting slightly when Cas began a sentence he ended prematurely or Cas swallowing hard when Lux started on a particular subject. Everything hadn’t meant  _ everything _ then. She accepted it, they were talking at least. 

Cas blew a raspberry once he finished, scratching the back of his neck, “And that’s it, I guess. That’s everything.”

“Everything.” Lux agreed with a nod. 

Nobody said anything for a moment, Cas paled, “S-Sorry. Was that too much?”

“No!” Greg promised, “No, it’s gonna take some time to process but I’m  _ so  _ glad you told us this. We’re gonna get you boys help, whatever you need, I’ll get it.”

“You mean, Steven? Getting  _ Steven  _ help, right?” Cas’ eyebrows furrowed, “I mean, nothing has to change, really. After we’re back together, you don’t really have to acknowledge us again, we don’t really cou―AH!”

Cas was cut off by a massive group hug swallowing both boys. Arms from every direction swarming them and squeezing them with ferocity, Garnet took center. 

“All we want,” she began with a smile, “is for you to be happy. Every part of you.” 

Grinning, Cas hugged Garnet back with the same excitement. Lux let himself relax slightly, closing his eyes and resting his head against Garnet’s chest, 

“It’s nice to meet you.” he said, softly. 

“And you.”

Cas gasped and shot up, then turned to Lux with a blinding smile, “I have an idea!” he grabbed his double’s arm and pulled him away towards the stairs, “Come with me! We’ll be  _ right back!”  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lux was inside his gem putting the smackdown on rose and pink and like hitting a bong or whatever 
> 
> also steven CANONICALLY cannot count money and that so funny to MEEEEE!!!!!!


	8. Space Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been 84 years......  
> i rewrote this like 5 times aaaaaaAAAAAAA but i hope you enjoy! 
> 
> space song // beach house

𝌃

8

Space Song 

(fall back into place) 

Once the two were out of sight, there was a collective sigh.

“Woof.” Amethyst huffed once, “I know we, like, _asked them_ to talk to us but that...that was rough.” 

Pearl sat back on the couch, cradling her head, “He’s been in so much pain and he’s kept quiet for so long; oh, how haven’t we _noticed?”_

“Steven never wanted us to notice” Garnet asserted, sitting beside her comrade, “and we didn’t try hard enough to get through to him.” she sombered, adjusting her visor, “We’re lucky he told us before it was too late…” 

Lapis’ eyebrows drew together, “Were there futures where we _were_ too late?” 

She didn’t respond, the question was answered. Greg shuddered, knowing exactly what ‘too late’ meant in this context, “What matters is that we’re going to be there for all three of them now, as much as we can.” 

Amethyst slapped her forehead, “And I’ve been such a jerk to Lux! I was probably making it worse, Good job, me! 

“This isn’t the time to throw yourself a pity party, Amethyst.” Connie insisted, hiking up the sleeves of Steven’s jacket, “Everything’s about Cas, Lux, and Steven right now.” 

Bismuth nodded, “Agreed.” 

“But how can we make it up to him―to _them!?”_ Peridot pondered, 

“We do what Steven would do―” Connie said as if it were the simplest answer in the world, “we help.”

The Gems and Greg nodded like they’d just been given orders in battle with no room for argument. Noise from Steven’s room caught their attention, Greg raised an eyebrow, 

“Whaddya think they’re doing up there?”

* * *

Cas paced back and forth in a short line, breathing out a quick “Oh, my god.” every time he turned, he paused noticing Lux’s confused expression, “I can’t believe we just did that! We just _said_ that, oh, my god! _How_ are you not freaking out!?” 

“I am panicking.” Lux said, his expression not breaking from his seemingly apathetic gaze. Cas sputtered, 

“It’s like, _aaaahhh!!!_ They _know_ now! About everything!” he shook his head, “Well, almost everything.”

“What do we do now? You said you had an idea.” 

“I, um, I didn’t? I just thought I’d figure something out before we got upstairs but it didn’t really pan out…” he flopped back onto where Lux sat on the bed, “I just felt like I was going to start panicking? Everybody was looking at us a-and the-ey know that Steven’s, like, _sad_ now and, uh, it was like _too much_ because they were staring an-and you know I’m not very good socially b―”

Lux laid a hand on his mouth to stop him from spiralling deeper, “I understand.” 

“Thanks.”

“Do you feel better?” 

“Yeah, yeah.” he squinted, “Your hair is curlier.” 

Lux looked up at his curls, “Is it?” 

“Yup, wonder if it’ll carry on to Steven…” he wondered, the feeling of Lux’s―of _their_ ―gem in his hands still lingered, “how are _you_ ? You _poofed._ ” 

“Better. I am better.” 

“You really scared me.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be, you didn’t mean to. Were...were _you_ scared?”

“A little.” he admitted, his eyes taking on mist, “In the diamond it is hard to tell where I began and where _she_ ended. She’s gone but the code is still there. I didn’t know if I’d reform t-to be her b-but…” he looked away, blinking away moisture. Cas took the hand off his forehead and squeezed it, 

“S’okay. You’re still you.” 

Lux nodded, sniffling, “We still aren’t fusing.”

Cas shrugged, “We will at some point.” 

He rolled his thumb against Cas’ hand, “You still want to fuse with me?” 

“Why wouldn’t I?” he sat up, Lux looked genuinely lost, 

“We’ve been arguing…” 

Cas clicked his tongue, “Sure but, like...remember Keystone? When Garnet split up and Ruby and Sapphire were arguing the whole time and Steven was really mad and you made him throw that plate?” he added with a tongue-in-cheek smile, Lux rolled his eyes, “Yeah, but Ruby and Sapphire didn’t want to _not_ be Garnet again, they just wanted to agree. I _don’t_ want to stop being Steven…I just want to be on the same page with you. Steven needs to be better, we _both_ do.” Lux’s eyes shone, Cas continued, “Plus, I think I’d literally die if we don’t fuse back.”

He snorted, the closest thing to a laugh he’d done. Lux stood up off the bed, offering his hand to Cas, “I have an idea. Actually.” 

* * *

The stairs creaked as both halves came downstairs, Cas shrank away from the attention but Lux pulled him along. 

“H-Hello, boys!” Pearl smiled, hiding her slight disappointment that they were still separated, “So, what was your surprise?” 

“Together breakfast.” Lux said simply, Cas balked, 

_“What?”_

One second Lux was by Cas’ side and the next he was at the countertop, all the ingredients for a good ol’ fashioned together breakfast laid out on the table, “Together breakfast.” he repeated. 

“Whoa, throwback!” Amethyst grinned, bounding over to the table, “I thought Steven didn’t like together breakfast anymore?” 

Lux shrugged, “Old times.” 

“What’s a together breakfast?” Bismuth asked, intrigued, Cas walked down the rest of the stairs shakily, 

“It’s a breakfast Steven made up when he―when we?―were younger.” he went over to the counter, pulling out a few brown bags, “You forgot the popcorn.” 

Pearl clapped her hands in delight, “I’ll make the waffles!” 

Amethyst raised her hand, “I call strawberries!” 

Garnet pointed to herself with a smile, “And _I’ll_ handle the popcorn!” 

Cas draped his arm around Lux’s shoulder, “What about us?”

“Whipped cream and chocolate sauce,” Amethyst supplied, “duh.” 

“This sounds like a stomachache,” Connie noted, the five of them shrugged, 

“Yeah, basically.” 

The five set to work: Toasting waffles, popping popcorn, drizzling chocolate, spraying whipped cream, and placing strawberries until there were enough servings for everybody in the room, “Ta-da!” Amethyst threw up jazz hands once she placed the final strawberry, 

Lapis eyed the plates suspiciously, “Are we supposed to eat that?” 

“Lapis!” Cas whined, batting his eyes, “ _C’mon…”_

Lux joined in, the Gem groaned, “Fine! Okay! That literally isn’t fair, stop doing the eye thing.”

Cas high-fived Lux, “Works every time.”

It took some work but soon enough all 10 were seated around the table, with Cas and Lux awkwardly sharing a seat at the head of the table. The two watched the others as they picked at the mess of food, Cas anxiously grabbing Lux’s hand and the latter suddenly looking more nervous than he had a moment ago. Greg picked up on the sudden shift, “You boys doing okay?”

 **“Yes!”** / _”Yup!”_ They said in the way Steven said things when he was rushing for a conversation to end, all eyes were suddenly on the two. 

“You don’t have to be scared,” he assured, clapping a fatherly hand on Lux’s shoulder, “we promise that we can handle whatever’s got you upset.” 

“It’s nothing, really, it’s just…” Cas took a moment to gather his words, “we’ve never hung out with you guys as just us, we’ve always been _Steven_. It’s weird, I guess.” 

Pearl pushed away the plate she’d grabbed solely as a show of support, “But you know us,” 

“Kinda…?” he shrugged, he continued at the sight of the concerned faces of his family, “Before we were separated, all of Steven’s memories were _his_ but when we unfused they got a little jumbled and split between us. We both know _major_ stuff but the rest is fuzzy. When we’re together it’s okay.” he explained, “I didn’t know who the Diamonds _were_ when we first separated, I was _so_ confused.” 

Lux chimed, “Wasn’t sure who Connie was.” 

“Really?” his other half and Connie asked, gaping; he nodded. 

“Knew she had you. Knew we needed to fuse back.” 

Cas picked a strawberry from his stack, gently pulling away its leaves, “I talked a _lot_ after we fused.”

“You did!”

“I had a lot to say! It’s not every day you realize you’re a different person!” 

Amethyst eyebrows perked up, “Wait, did you...did Steven not know he was a fusion until right then?”

“No.” both boys answered, Cas glanced at his twin, 

“Steven just figured _everybody_ had voices in their head, plus he always just figured he was _Rose_ so…” he sighed, “why dig any deeper?” 

There was a beat, Pearl set down her fork neatly. Her eyebrows knitted together, “You thought you were Rose…?” she asked breathily. Cas worried his bottom lip, 

“We just-I...yeah. Yeah, we did. For a while.” he muttered, “We jumped to some conclusions or whatever. It was a long time ago, a lot was going on.” 

“B-But why?” 

“It was not a clean reboot.” Lux answered, “Her reprogramming of me erased most of her presence but still some facets of her linger. Pieces of memories, feelings,” he paused before continuing, “just pieces.” 

“You...You have some of her memories?”

“I am not her, Pearl.” 

“I know, I just―”

Lux looked down, stabbing his fork into the meal, “Don’t want to talk about this anymore.” 

Amethyst not-so-subtly elbowed the Gem, Pearl sighed, “I’m sorry, I just mean...we barely know you two and we’ve lived with you your entire lives. It’s new territory.”

“We barely know each other, same boat.” Cas shrugged, “We still have time, I’m fine as long as I’m near him and he can only express emotions when we’re like this” he held up their clasped hands, “so I think we’re okay with answering questions. I think.” 

“We don’t have to do it!” Peridot assured sensing his apprehension, “We can just eat this disgusting breakfast you’ve made us!” 

The human laughed, “No, no, it’s fine, really. He doesn’t really like talking so I’ll handle it. So, go ahead, shoot.” Connie raised her hand, Cas snickered, “You don’t have to do that, Connie.”

“Oh!” she blushed, “Well, I was just wondering how much influence you guys have over Steven when you guys are fused.” 

“Small.” Lux offered, Cas elaborated, 

“Usually, we’re kinda in the background―it’s like Stevonnie! He doesn’t like thinking about us because we remind him of...y’know, splitting but ever since things started getting bad he’s been―”

“Switching.” 

“Yeah! Switching between us. Like when we were at the roller rink that was mostly me a-and the hospital visit was mostly Lux.” 

“Steven was scared, needed protecting. Didn’t mean to...overprotect.” 

Amethyst scoffed, “Dude’s been tag-teaming being conscious? If it wasn’t so worrying, I’d say I was impressed.” 

A million more questions were raised: When did things start to get bad? Why had it taken Steven until _now_ to split? Did Steven just plan to play hot potato with his consciousness until things miraculously got better? But Greg asked the next question, 

“How’s your hand, Lux? You hit that mirror pretty hard.” 

Lux stared for slightly too much time before answering, “Fine. Healed.” 

“Why’d you break it in the first place, bud?” 

“G-Got scared and...didn’t...didn’t know what to...to...Castor. Castor, now. Talk.” he tightened his hold on his twin’s hand, Cas took the hint, 

“Talking about everything is really stressful, he’s not really good at emotions, he’s more of an action guy.”

“You guys could’ve told me you were getting overwhelmed, did I say something wrong?”

 _“You talked about Rose.”_ / **“You talked about the Diamonds.”**

Seemingly surprised by their own answers they faced each other. Lux blinked, keeping his eyes fixed on the table, “I am not...forgiving. Not for them.” he didn’t move a muscle while speaking, “They hurt me. They hurt Castor and Steven. Tore apart. Hurt.”

“But they changed.”

“They feel bad. Doesn’t change me.” he frowned, “Hard to forgive hurt.” 

“I mean…” Cas faltered, “yeah. Yeah, you’re right.” 

“...Is that why you poofed?” Lapis asked, her voice softer than most expected from her, “You couldn’t handle trying to forgive us?” 

Neither answered, they just averted their eyes from the rest. Garnet removed her visor, “It’s okay. You don’t have to forgive us for what we’ve done to Steven. We understand, all of us do.”

Agreements came from around the table, Cas’ expression brightened. Greg grabbed his free hand, “Do you want to talk about what _you_ said? About your mother?”

Cas sighed, “It’s a lot, Dad. I know you all want me to like her but I dunno, I don’t really have the words for it.” 

“That’s okay.” at his doubtful look, he squeezed his son’s hand, “Really.” 

He smiled, Lux looked between both of them and took a breath. He stood and stiffly walked upstairs, silence followed him. 

“Wuh oh.” Greg whispered. 

“Did we say something wrong?” Connie asked, eyebrows drawn together. Cas shook his head, without Lux by his side he was suddenly much, much paler, 

“He wasn’t angry, he just wanted to go upstairs. For some reason...” 

“Oh!” Amethyst explained, sticking her hand in the air, “I gotta question.”

“Amethyst, I said you didn’t have to...whatever, what’s the question?”

“Spinel. She hit you with the Rejuvenator, right? Like a buncha times? What happened because Steven didn’t poof but his powers were shot,” 

Cas rolled his eyes, “Stars, that was so annoying. Lux _did_ reset but he reset all the way to when he was made before Steven was even around; he was trying to reform but couldn’t because my ol’ meat body was in the way―it was just me the whole time.” he explained, “So I was alone, because Lux was out of commission, and I can’t really _control_ my emotions without him so I was trying super hard not to cry the whole time. _That_ went out of the window once Spinel and I were fighting and it was tough because I can’t even _see_ out of one of my eyes and―”

_“WHAT?!”_

He stopped at the collective shout, “...What?”

“You can’t see out of one of your eyes, Meatball?” Bismuth questioned incredulously. 

“Oh, uh, yeah. Only when we’re unfused, though! We were basically unfused during the whole Spinel thing so I guess it happened.”

“Which one?”

“Left. I think Lux can’t see out of his right.” 

The burly Gem sputtered, “When were you plannin’ on telling us, smart guy?!” 

“Uh...never? It’s not that big of a deal, we’re not unfused often.” 

“But you could’ve gotten hurt!” Lapis argued, Peridot raised a finger, 

“Fifty-percent of your eyesight―gone! Statistically a major loss!” 

He held both hands up in defense, “Alright, alright, I’m sorry for not telling you!” The smile on his face betrayed the exasperation his voice held; a creak on the stairs alerted them to Lux’s reappearance on the stairs, he held a small stack of papers close to his chest. 

“Hey, Luxie!” Amethyst greeted, “You doin’ better?” 

“Yes.” he answered, he quickly made his way downstairs. With apprehension, he handed the stack to her, “For you. Words.”

“Whoa,” she paged through them, “these are those papers you were reading when we Warped back, right?”

He nodded, Cas’ eyes widened, “Oh. Oh, those are kinda…” he bit his lip, “those are rough, you shouldn’t...”

“Stop.” Lux ordered, Cas shakily leaned back. Amethyst looked to him, “Read.” 

There was a minute of silence as the quartz looked over the pages, her eyes growing increasingly misty as time went on and she scanned the lines of messy writing full of arrows and scribbled out phrases. A soft sob escaped her throat, “Steven...Steven wrote this, right?” he nodded, Amethyst ran a hand through her hair, “H-He really thinks this stuff about himself?” A moment, then a nod.

Amethyst stood from her chair and swallowed Lux in a bear hug, holding onto the boy for dear life, “Dude, I’m so sorry.” she whispered, “I said all that stuff about you―of _course,_ you’re my lil bro.” Lux looked stunned but slowly managed to wrap his arms around her and set his head in the crook of her neck, “You know what? Connie, give it up.” 

Connie, knowing exactly what she meant, shrugged off Steven’s jacket and handed it to her. Amethyst held out her arms, Lux mirrored her and she pulled the jacket onto him. He was wide-eyed, “Hm.” Amethyst took a step back, “Yeah, definitely your color.” 

Lux stared at her like he was trying to understand―buffering, almost―then he broke out into a sunshine-bright grin and threw his arms around her, “Thank you.” 

The quartz returned the affection, “Always, bro.”

Cas happily shot up, stumbling on his feet before righting himself, “Lux!! You’re showing emotion without me!! Lux!!!” 

“Oh.” he felt his face as if he hadn’t noticed, “ _Oh.”_

 _“Lux!!!”_ Cas and Connie squealed. 

Pearl clapped her hands, “We should celebrate!”

So they did, forgetting the breakfast none of them intended to eat, they pulled out board games and an old karaoke machine and talked and laughed over old, fondly remembered stories. Peridot quickly won Kitchen Kalamity, helped by the fact that most of the players had no clue how the game worked which Lapis was quick to point out. Bismuth and Pearl dramatically performed a ballad over the karaoke machine, followed by Connie and Lux (the latter of which was trying very hard to hide how much he was blushing). Amethyst and Cas raced each other on a retro-looking game, the quartz simply reaching over and covering Cas’ right eye whenever she lagged behind. Greg told goofy stories of Steven as a kid, plucking at a guitar as he recounted when the Gems threw a jungle gym at Steven’s babysitter when he was three years old. 

All around, it was the lightest either halves had felt in a very long time. Soon enough, they found themselves outside, having told everybody they were taking a quick breather from the festivities. 

“This was fun.” Cas said after a while of them looking over the glittering ocean. 

“It was.” 

“That jacket looks nice on you.”

Lux pulled it closer, “Thank you.”

He leaned over the rail, the wind ruffling his curls, “They really care about Steven...and us.”

“They do.” 

“Is it...is it weird that I’ll miss this?” he asked looking at his double, Lux cocked his head to the side, “ _This_. Like, being able to talk to you face-to-face like this. I like this.”

He nodded, “Me too.” 

“But I really miss being Steven. S’weird.” he took a breath of the salty air, “I was really scared when you poofed, I-I didn’t know what to do without you. I feel like we’re constantly avoiding each other when we’re Steven, like we don’t want to talk. I don’t even know you really, you had _thousands_ of years of being alive before you were Steven.”

“I know.” he shrugged, “I like being Steven.”

Cas smiled, “Me too. Maybe we could find a way to unfuse the normal way...so we can talk more.”

“I...I’d really like that.” 

“So it’s a deal, maybe we can go on a big fusion outing with Ruby and Sapphire, ha.” 

“If they keep their hands off each other, yes.”

“Whoa,” he playfully slapped his arm, “was that a joke? Man, you almost don’t need me.”

His expression turned deadly serious, “I do need you.” 

Cas ruffled his hair, “I know.” he sighed, “Ready to go?”

“Mmhm.” 

“I say let’s give ‘em a show!” 

Lux smiled, “Yes! A show!”

The two ventured back inside where Connie and Garnet were enraptured in the console version of Meat Beat Mania. Cas coughed and attention was brought to them, he waved, 

“We just wanted to say bye,” 

“Bye.” Lux cut in. 

“And thank you for...listening to us and everything.” 

“Yes.” 

“Steven really appreciates it but he can just say that himself.” he turned to Lux, “Shall we?”

Lux held out his hand, Cas took it with a grin. He spun the boy on his heels then swept him up bridal style, both giggling while they did it. They fell into a childlike spinning dance, going around and around until light overtook them. With a big flash of light and the scent of buttercups, Steven suddenly stood in the living room, wide-eyed and bewildered, 

“Oh, uh.” he stood up straight, “Hey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> steven facing any anxiety-inducing situation: ight imma head out  
> cas and lux suddenly having to be conscious: im going to beat his ass 
> 
> also the blind in one eye hc comes from the scene in cym where the screen is split when they unfused!


	9. I'm Ready to Move On/Mickey Mantle Reprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we are! the end of geminids but DEF not the last time you'll see a fic with da boyz, feel free to suggest ideas in the comments!
> 
> im ready to move on/mickey mantle reprise // bleachers  
> (spotify playlist linked below xx)

[ playlist <3 ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4uejoRc9Rv2cluwYkdnUsw?si=Htz7bIzqQbyMSIhKgE5XPQ)

𝌃

9

I’m Ready to Move On/Mickey Mantle Reprise

(why wait a minute

to tell her i’m better)

Steven wasn’t entirely sure what was going on.

Just a second ago Connie had been leading him downstairs but suddenly it was pitch black outside, there were together breakfasts on the table, the TV was broken, and more people in the house playing a board game. And they were all looking at him. 

“Steven!” Connie hugged him tightly, “Welcome back!” 

He hugged her back, “Uh, thanks but...where did I go?” 

_ Can he not remember? _

**One second.**

Connie grimaced, “You split up, remember?” 

“I  _ what? _ Oh, my stars, really?” he muttered, “For how long?” 

Amethyst shrugged, “Eh, like four hours?” 

_ “Four hours?!”  _

**Now.**

Steven cringed, a sudden headache washing over him; his family moved over to help him but he put a hand out, “I’m fine, I’m fine. Just a headache, urgh…” new memories were put in their places, two views of the same thing, “Oh, Pearl, jeez, I’ll get you a new mug. And a new TV.”

“Don’t worry about that, Steven! We’re just happy you’re together again.” 

“I-I didn’t really mean for you guys to meet them like that…”

Bismuth raised an eyebrow, “Did you mean for us to meet them at all?” 

“Uh…” he clamped his mouth shut, “D-Did you guys like...did...did you like them?”

“Of course, we did!” Peridot exclaimed, “There are three times as many Stevens now! But you, together Steven, are still my favorite.” 

**Fair.**

_ Yeah. _

“Tch, thanks, Peridot.” he looked down at his hands, trying to solidify in his mind that he was one person again, “I-I just know they can be a lot, I’m sor―”

Garnet held up a hand, “No apologizing. We enjoyed meeting them, they’re parts of you and they let us know about things we...things we should’ve been more attentive to when it came to you.” 

He paled, “What did they say?” 

“Don’t worry, Stchu-ball.” Greg said gently, “We’re here for you, nothing you said could change that.”

“But what  _ did  _ they say?” his eyes drifted to the papers on the table, he ran over and picked them up. Oh,  _ shit _ . He hadn’t meant any of them to see  _ these!  _ A spiraling mess of thoughts that ranged from mildly worrying to downright terrifying. His chest tightened, he lit up Pink. 

_ Lux, it’s okay! We’re safe. _

**He’s scared.**

_ It’s okay, we’ve got each other. _

**Okay. Okay. Trying.**

The color faded, Steven quickly pocketed the papers in his pocket, “I didn’t really want you guys to read that.” 

“Only I read it, Ste-man.” Amethyst admitted, “Lux gave ‘em to me.” 

“But why would he…?” 

“Some of that stuff is messed up.”

“I-I know but I’m fine.”

“Steven. Dude. No, you’re not. It’s fine that you’re not, we’re getting you help!” 

“Help?” 

Connie laid her hand on his shoulder, “Like a therapist, Steven. Somebody you can talk to about stuff.” 

“What if I…” he paused, maybe he  _ did  _ want to talk? All the times he’d hoped somebody would just  _ catch him  _ in the middle of spiraling or hurting himself and force him to stop―wasn’t that just him wanting somebody to know? Wanting somebody to see that he wasn’t the same little kid? “Okay.” 

His dad stood and joined him by his side, “We don’t have to make any plans tonight but me, you, and Dr. Maheswaran are gonna have a talk tomorrow about what we can do to get you feeling better, okay?” 

He nodded despite his rising anxiety towards the statement―just him, his dad, and his best friend’s mom talking at length at how messed up he was. The last time anything like that had happened had been the hospital and he suspected everyone knew how that turned out. 

**Sorry.**

“How you feelin’?” Dad pressed on, Steven laid a hand to his temple.

“Okay. I guess. I just feel a little dizzy, I’m trying to put two groups of memories together in my head and…” his eyes widened, he rushed to the bathroom, “did he really break the mirror?!” 

**Sorry. Again.**

Connie led him back out and sat him on the couch, “They got overwhelmed, but hey― you and I both know it could’ve been worse. I don’t think White’s finished repairing her head yet.”

“Good.” he snarked then paled, “Oh, sorry! That was rude!” 

“Steven,” Bismuth said, “you bein’ rude is the least you could be to that piece of rock. She hurt you bad.” 

“Why didn’t you  _ tell us!” _ Lapis exclaimed, Steven shrugged, 

“I didn’t...I...we had just  _ won _ .  _ Finally.  _ I didn’t wasn’t going to send us back just because she hurt me. It’s fine.” 

Softly, Garnet whispered, “Pollux panicked at the thought of it, Steven. It’s okay to let us know you’re hurt. We  _ should’ve  _ known.”

Steven blinked, he tried to find that moment in his memory of his Gem half but he didn’t have to see it to believe it. He still couldn’t think about it for more than a minute without spiraling and feeling like his chest was going to cave in. He hadn’t talked to any of the Diamonds since Spinel, White had a habit of getting too close to him and even years later he couldn’t stop his head from going into red alert when she did. 

“It’s...a lot.”

“We know, we expect that.” 

His dad gave him a tender smile, “We’re here to help you at every step, kiddo. You and your parts!”

Steven stared down at the floorboards. It was a nice sentiment but he couldn’t help wishing he was alone to sort out the thoughts. Garnet adjusted her visor, 

“And please let us know if you want us to leave.” 

_ Ah.  _ Future vision. 

Begrudgingly, he sighed, “Yeah. I-I’m really sorry, you guys basically babysat me all day just for me to do this but…” he murmured, “I think I just need a sec to myself. Just to get things in order.”

“That’s totally fine, Steven!” Pearl chirped, standing from her seat, “We can talk in the morning!” 

“Yeah, man,” Amethyst added, “Cas can tell you about how I kicked his  _ butt  _ at Racing Rodeo.”

He smiled, it probably wasn’t hard to win a game against somebody that was half-blind but he was happy to see Amethyst happy, “Whatever, he definitely let you win.”

“Don’t take this away from me, dude! Tell you what, rematch first thing tomorrow.”

“Deal.”

The others bid their goodbyes, giving him warm hugs and soft reassurances until it was just him and Connie left, her standing him up so tenderly and wrapping her arms around him. They stayed like that for a moment, him breathing in the scent of her conditioner while she rubbed circles onto his back. 

_ This is nice. _

**It’s getting late.**

“I should drive you home.” he murmured into her shoulder.

“Are you sure you’re okay to drive?”

“Mmhm.” 

“Okay.” 

Hand in hand, they walked down to his parked car. Staying relatively silent they snapped their seatbelts in and turned on soft atmospheric music that thrummed against the car’s interior. The car rumbled across the sand, eventually rolling off the boardwalk onto the paved streets. 

A mutual silence hummed over them until he slowed to a stop at the first red light, Connie glanced over to him, “I’m guessing you don’t remember yet.” 

“Remember what?” 

Red colored her cheeks, she looked away, “Nothing. You’ll get it soon.” 

He raised an eyebrow but decided not to question further, probably something embarrassing one of his halves had done. It bothered him more than it probably should’ve, that he just...hadn’t existed for the past few hours. Well, he had technically but in a fragmented form, “Thanks for...thanks for looking out for me today.” 

“Always, Steven.” 

His hands flexed against the worn steering wheel, “Sorry, I keep dragging you into weird stuff.”

She pursed her lips, there was a moment and the light turned green. Connie twisted her body so she could face him better, her small, calloused hand laid itself against his thigh. She was studying him, he could feel it. After an eternity she spoke, “How can I make it more obvious that I love you?” 

Electricity raced up his spine at her statement, “Wha?”

“You keep...talking like you’re holding me hostage. You aren’t. You’re my best friend and I love you―how can I make it more obvious that you’re so loved? By so many more people than me.” 

He swallowed, “I-I don’t know. I just, my thoughts a-and my head say different things. L-Like bad things and, I dunno,  _ violent  _ things? I’m supposed to be  _ good _ and I don’t think I am anymore…” 

“Steven,”

“Connie?”

“You are so much more than your thoughts.” they came to another stop, she cupped his cheek, “You’re  _ so  _ good, you always have been and always will be. And I’m gonna keep saying it until you believe it.”

The warmth of her hand transfixed him, her big brown eyes staring into his own that hid a layer of neon pink. Something clicked in his head, his eyes widened, “D-Did we…”

She blushed furiously, “Yes.” 

**WHAT.**

_ I MEANT TO TELL YOU! SORRY! _

_ “Oh.” _ he fidgeted, blinking and reviewing the memory in his head. Oh, wow.

“Steven. The light.”

“...What?”

“The light’s green.” 

“Yeah.”

“You have to start driving.” 

“Okay. Okay, right.”

He started moving forward, trying to balance out the light of the memory with darker remembrances to keep himself from floating, “Did you...like it?

She barked out a bubbly laugh, “Gosh, Steven― _ yes!”  _ she tucked her hair behind her ear, “I gotta ask: That wasn’t your first kiss right?”

“Uh, yeah, it was! Who else would’ve kissed me!?”

“I don’t know!” she looked down, blush reaching her ears, “It was just...really good.” 

His head hit the top of the car, his feet leaving the pedals. Connie giggled, pushing him down, he coughed, “Would you like to...do it...again...sometime?” 

“I would really, really like that, Steven Universe.” she playfully punched his shoulder, “Maybe we could do another picnic, sans proposal.”

“Aw, jeez, yeah.  _ Definitely  _ sans proposal.” 

The rest of the drive was filled with light conversation and jokes. Nothing felt different. Which Steven loved. They had kissed and clearly had plans to do it more but she was still his Connie and he was still her Steven―no new status quo, just a new layer. Eventually, they pulled into her driveway, the living room windows lit up signifying her parents’ presence. Connie reached over to give him a hug which he happily reciprocated, “See you tomorrow?”

“I think me and Dad are heading over here to talk about my wack brain, so probably.”

“I can be there with you if you want.”

He smiled, “You’re the best.”

“I know.” 

She planted a chaste kiss to his lips then speeded out of the car, “Alright! Bye!” 

A big, goofy grin spread across his face, happily flapping his hands around once Connie got inside. He threw the car into reverse and pulled out again, then switched gears to tear across the residential street. 

“That went well!”/ _ “It did!” _ / **“Yes!”**

He slammed on the brakes, “Whoa.”/ _ “What happened?!” _ / **“Are you safe?”**

Steven nervously chittered, the feeling of his mouth being taken over unlike anything he’d ever felt, “No. No. Wait, let me talk.”/ _ “Okay.” _ /“Cas.”/ _ “Sorry.” _

“How are you guys doing this? Are we about to unfuse? I-I feel stable, in  _ that  _ way at least.”/ **“Not unfusing. Just talking.”** /“Uh...okay, i-is this just a  _ thing  _ now?” **/** _ “Maybe!” _

Steven drummed his fingers against the dashboard, “This is so  _ weird!” _ / **“Want to stop?”** /”No! No, it’s fine, it’s just...new. It’s nice to talk to you guys.”/ _ “It’s nice to talk to you, Steven.” _ / **“Hi.”**

Hesitantly, he started driving again, the old Dondai rumbling against the unevenly paved roads. 

“I think we have a lot to talk about.”/ **“Yes.”** / _ “We do…”  _

“But we’re not gonna do it alone right?” 

Steven felt the strange sensation of three people trying to use the same body to smile, 

**“No.”** / _ “Never.”  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now connie will have to deal with steven, cas, and lux trying to speedrun who can say they love her fastest........hetero rights 
> 
> thank you sm for sticking around! again, feel free to suggest any ideas for future things for da boyz to do  
> also remember: every single cop is a bastard <333

**Author's Note:**

> motherfucker we got CANON DIAMOND EYES IM LIVING SO FUCKING LAVISHHHHHH


End file.
